Warning : SH

The first time I cut was 7-8 years ago. I don’t know if that was the moment I wanted to die the most though. It was maybe when I wanted to escape it all the most. Or maybe the moment I wanted to die the most I was so dead inside it didn’t matter as much. I haven’t cut for 5 years atleast. If you look carefully at my wrists and arms you can see the ghosts of that part of me. The Impulse has been there, so I’ve sat as I stared at the tools for it, convincing myself why I shouldn’t. The last time I indulged in any self harm or self mutilation however is much more recent. But don’t get me wrong, I won’t kill myself, I won’t die so easily I’ll go out fighting if I go out, but there are these moments where I close my eyes and I can see so very vividly cutting myself deep on my abdomen, my neck, my legs. It’s almost there that feeling. I can sometimes feel as my dream to drown and die fills me until my chest feels cold as though I was drowning. I don’t want to die, I want to live. But these moments I see it all, there’s a brief moment of peace and I wish I didn’t feel it. No one knows I have these, the last person I told left because I was a lot to handle and they aren’t to blame but if I know I’ll never act on them why should I tell someone and let them leave again. I guess I have you to thank for that. You left breaking your promises and leaving me with more baggage.