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I’m ill. I have been for a while, I don’t know how ill but I do know something serious is wrong.
For the past few months, I’ve been getting worse. I get blackouts, which is kinda like fainting except I don’t collapse, my legs occasionally stop working for seemingly no reason (I’ve seen about 7 different doctors and none have had an explanation, I even spent a week in hospital).
We’ve finally been referred to a neurologist.
That’s what scares me. My family doctor said it might be some sort of a sleep disorder (best case scenario) but she said it’s unlikely.
I’m now facing the possibility that things could be much worse than I dared to think. My personality is changing, I get more aggressive about little things and I’m becoming more reclusive. My motor skills are getting bad, sometimes I struggle to walk or talk, and I’ve been fidgeting much more. I’ve been getting more worried easily, and my immune system is getting worse, even a small cold can make me feel awful for about a week.
These are all common symptoms of a brain tumour. Don’t worry, I don’t think it’s that. That’s like worst case scenario. But there’s always that bit in the back of my mind that worries.
I am just really scared that I might die. I’m only 15, I don’t want to be worrying about this, I don’t want this to be happening.
I want to live. I never really wanted to until I was faced with this possibility that I could die. Especially by something that will just make me progressively weaker and weaker until I deteriorate.
I get this is ahead of myself, but anxiety does that. All I can think about is the fact that this could be really serious. Deathly serious. If it turns out I will die, I do have a brain tumour or something similar, I’m not going to wait to die painfully and slowly, not myself anymore. I would go to Switzerland and end my life voluntarily, maybe have a funeral while I’m still around.
I hate to think about this, but I know I have to. I know realistically that something really isn’t right. That this won’t just go away and be fine.
But I have so much I want to do, I’m a good student, I was going to do my a-levels abroad at an international then apply for Cambridge or Durham uni. I want to be a surgeon, hopefully a brain surgeon eventually (ironic, I know). I want to get married one day, have kids.
But it already feels like I’ve been handed a death sentence, this early on in the process. The second seeing a neurologist was brought up, my mum started crying and shaking violently for ages, and the doctor looked at me so sadly and sympathetically. I just feel like they know something I don’t, that they think I really am going to die.
I don’t want to die. I’m still a kid…
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I am sorry that this is happening to you especially as there are so many young people out there who want to die. Pray to God and tell Him that you want to continue to live and maybe He will answer your prayer. But on the other hand when you look at the way the world is now there isn't that much time left for anyone as we are in the last days. I have grandchildren your age and think about their futures with floods, fires, earthquakes, mud slides, hurricanes, storms, volcano eruptions, dead fish washing up on shores, strange sights in the skies, and who know what else that are going on and getting worse and becoming more frequent. All of the things that are prophesized in The Bible for the ending of the world are happening now. You say you want to have children, but do you really want them to grow up with the world being like this? People are still having babies and the grandparents worry about these babies futures because we (grandparents) can see how different things have become lately. None of us have much of a future anyway. I wish you all the best and if you really want to get better I sincerely hope you do.
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