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There’s a handful of guys who have crushes on me. They think I’m pretty. They think I’m kind because they’ve never seen what a b*tch I can be when I’m finally pushed to my limits. Normally, I visit with them like some sort of pecking order, forcing them to eliminate me themselves, showing them, ‘no, you really don’t know me, see’, and it’s true, I’m not a good fit for most of them. I’m just a fake image, a fantasy they have in their head about me that is nothing like the real me. But then there’s two guys who I can be my absolute self with, and we get each other and spend time smiling and laughing, and really ‘get’ each other. One of them has managed to make me be my absolute open self, maybe because he’s older and has been through this lots before. The other, hides like a tortoise who never comes out of his shell, so he never really sees the real me, and maybe because he’s younger, and because of experience and crushes. Even though I know I mesh better with the younger guy, there are no opportunities to visit and be honest because of hiding and because of those crushes. Even so, for these two guys I’m terrified. I’m like a tortoise hiding in MY shell because of my insecurities and negative feelings. I don’t want anyone to see this scared side of me, and it all starts again with that thing called a ‘crush’. A crush is a damn thing that makes us all hide. Sometimes I wish they didn’t exist. But really, I know I wouldn’t enjoy never feeling again the way they make me feel. I wish I could crack the code of a crush though. So we could all be more open and be free.
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