i can't sleep

This morning I woke up earlier than I'd usually prefer to on a typical Sunday. Usually, as a broke high school student, I'd work most Sundays, from around 11 am to 6 pm. I like waking up early enough to go to the gym before work, but that still means I only have to wake up around 9-10. Today, I took off work to go out for a friend's birthday. I actually woke up around 7:30 to get into the gym on time and still have time to shower and get ready, and look good (because look good, feel good, right?). I was feeling pretty okay throughout the day, I was having fun with my friends, one of which happened to have a digital camera. At the mall, I realized that I hadn't eaten, and I had some sushi (I know, mall sushi is definitely not the best, but I love sushi and I'll take what I can get, especially for $16 in this economy). I also noticed it was already nearly 4 pm and I still had a lot of macros to hit before the end of the day. I like to hit a specific calorie and protein goal. However, I found myself using this as an excuse to overeat, eating based on my cravings rather than what I knew would be better for me at this moment. I've been struggling with my weight, recently, and ironically, so is one of my friends that happened to be with me there today. Eventually, we got into a conversation about our struggles with food and eating, and I found myself actually envying her struggle with food, as she expressed that she recently found food "disgusting", and difficult to eat. Vulnerable in the moment, I began talking to her about a time of my life when I was also struggling with eating and would go days on end without eating, the COVID-19 pandemic kindling the flame. I honestly found myself envying that version of myself, the version who could hardly get out of bed because of malnourishment, who could fit into size 4 and size 6 jeans, now half the size of what I can wear. Soon, I was sent down a downward spiral, becoming very aware of how much bigger I was than all the girls around, who were all very thin and marginally shorter than me. As I got home, I felt this crushing weight of an empty, lonely feeling, which I haven't gotten in a while. Honestly, there's a reason they call it happy weight. I truly am a lot happier than I was before, extra pounds and all (and not just a couple extra, I am at the heaviest I have ever been). It is now nearly midnight and I have been up, and actively awake for way longer than any human should be. I laid in bed, desperately trying everything I could. At first I chose to ignore my phone and electronics, settling in which "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland," believing the book might help tire my mind out and send me to bed. Unfortunately, this didn't work, and after 30 minutes too many of laying on my bed aimlessly staring at the while, I took to mindlessly scrolling on TikTok, replying to snaps and messages, and saw that my friend sent a link to a Google Photos file with all the pictures taken on her digital camera today. And I hated what I saw. Suddenly, that confusing crushing feeling became very clear. I was falling into a dark hole of hatred, for myself. I felt myself start to tear up, freaking out, feeling useless against the threatening pictures of me, smiling back at myself through the phone screen, terrifyingly stagnant in the form in which the picture was taken. I just couldn't believe it, people see me like this every day? This is what I look like? How can I look like this and not have the desire and willpower to simply starve myself until I no longer do look like this? How can I find everyone else and their flaws beautifully unique, all except mine? Of course, my solution was to take to the internet, looking through blogs of people who seem to be struggling with the same issue. Although I don't have a purpose or happy ending for whoever is reading this, I hope that if they are struggling with the same thing, or even something remotely similar, they can know that they are not alone. That when they are alone in bed, wishing the world was completely silent for just one second, so they could sleep off that pestering, hateful detached little voice constantly berating them in their head, they know that eventually, the world will be silent, and they will be too deep in slumber to wish it was loud again.