What Does It Say?

I go back in my writings and read all the words I have typed. I feel all the love, pain, depression, and yearning in each and every thing I typed. But today, all that gave me pause. I looked at it in a different way. What does it say about me? What does it say that I would rather live in my past than be present in the now? What does it mean that I would rather live in the memories and the fantasies I have with her? Why do I yearn for one who, I more than likely, will never be with? Does it mean my life is so bad?

Why is it when I hug someone, they magically transform, in my mind, to the woman I love? It is her I smell. Her I feel in my arms. Her I long to be holding. When I drive, and my mind takes control, it is to her my thoughts turn. Her I glimpse in the seat next to me in my mind. I turn to look quickly only to see an empty seat.

Why is it when I see someone who bears a passing resemblance to her my heart races. I am overcome with anxiety as I step closer to see. And then when it is not my love, my heart disintegrates all over again. It is like the pain that never ends.

Does it mean that I would rather live in pain without her? Or does it mean I would rather live in the hope that one day she will see that the love I feel for her is true? That I am the one she is meant to be with? But again I ask. What does all this say about me?