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I was angry at my brother that he always make our mom cook all 3 meals for him. I told her to just let him cook for himself. He needs to learn to be independent and it's tiring for our mom. My mom scolded me instead. She said my brother don't want to learn. I replied to her "then you have force him to cook for himself. you said that you will make him starve for him to learn the importance of learning how to cook. But instead, you still always cook for him". She then said "enough. everytime you both like to make me suffer. better I die". Is it wrong for me to say that?
There is a saying "Give a man a fish, and he will be hungry again to-morrow; teach him to catch a fish, and he will be richer all his life". So that's why I know how important it is for him to learn how to cook + all the other life skills. Well, he is older than 25 years old but he still relies on our mom to buy his briefs, cook for him, wash his laundries and many more.
On the other hand, I as the younger sister (18 yrs old) always get scolding from our mom for not helping around the house. I am always hurt by her words especially when she says it's better of if she dies. While growing up, I always hear these words. When I was younger, I used to cry when she says that. Now, I just keep quiet and cry on the inside.
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Well it definitely isn't your fault. Your brother is 25 he should know how to take care of himself or he'll never make it in life. I don't mean to say this in a hurtful way but, if your mom were to die tomorrow how is he gonna make it? He needs to learn and your mom needs to learn to be a bit more tough on him instead of babying him.
ReplyMiddle aged male here...
I remember an issue I had in one of my earliest jobs with an older guy who had been with the company for some time. I was the newest to the team and the lowest on the corporate ladder. I was technically overqualified for the position but I needed to get my foot in the door. This older guy was pretty rude and new a little about the work we needed to do but he certainly didn't know a lot. It didn't take long for me to realize I was the one doing most of the work while the older guy took a ride on "Easy Street". As if doing most of the work wasn't bad enough, I was more upset when I realized this guy had a much, much higher salary than me. It seemed unfair and I was super not happy about it.
Maybe I should have tried to do something about this but I was new and didn't want to cause any chaos. In due time, though, it all caught up to him. I kept getting raises and promotions for my efforts and the old rude guy...well, they eventually let him go. That said, it worked out for me in the end. I was upset about doing most of the work but, that "setup" allowed me to get a lot of experience under my belt. Looking back, it was actually helpful to me and my career.
This is one example but I can think of several times things like this have happened to me in my life and a few other times where friends have had similar situations.
As it stands in your case, you seem currently frustrated in the fact that you are doing all the work and your older brother is allowing mom to do all the work (cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.). I can certainly understand how this would rub you the wrong way but, compared to my story, you can tell that you are setting yourself up for success and your brother is setting himself up for failure.
In due time, this will catch up with him and he will, at an older age, be struggling to understand how to get things done and take care of his basic needs. You, on the other hand, will be very independent.
It seems that vocalizing your frustration only makes your mother angry. I'm not suggesting that she's correct for handling the living situation the way she does but it may be easier to accept your fate in this instance and be glad to know that, at your age, you'll soon be out in the world on your own spreading your wings flying high. Your brother, on the other hand, will most likely stay in the nest as long as possible but it is inevitable that one day your mother will not be able to take care of him and he will find himself in a very different position than you.
On the specific note of cooking, though, I should point out that you can totally survive without being able to cook if you are willing the pay the extra cost for simply eating out. When I was in my late teens, I moved to another state with a best friend and neither of us knew how to cook. We ate out (mostly fast food) two or three times per day. In our apartment, we had no dishes, no pots and pans, no silverware, etc. We only purchased a microwave for the purpose of making popcorn to snack on while we watched movies. I honestly don't remember transitioning to cooking but I do remember some of my earlier meals and how terrible they were. Ha. I've been cooking for many, many years now, though, and think to myself that it was a bit funny to have eaten out so many times when I was younger. But, on that note, I totally survived. You are correct, though, that cooking is a skill worth knowing and could, in some very rare instances, be a literal life saver.
I hope that these issues won't continue to bother you to the point of loosing your mind, saying things you'll later regret, or doing things you shouldn't. In time, I promise this will all work out in your favor.
No matter what happens, we're all wishing you the best.
Good Luck!
ReplyYour mother is enabling his immature behaviour. He sounds like he's retarded. Is he? Be assertive.
ReplyHow is it your fault. It obviously is not. Your immature brother is an adult. He's not your responsibility. If your mother wants to coddle him, that's on her. Speak up for yourself and refuse to enable him.
ReplyAs I read your stories, I am wondering... What is your culture...
Usually eastern culture doing that way. A norm that Girls have to learn a lot of things, cooking, laundry, house cleaning, clean dirty dishes, etc. Life skill that girls should have so one day when grow up and married will not make shame to the family and can do chores to the in law and dear husband.
So don't waste your energy to argue with your parents regarding your older brother behavior. Because that's their culture that boys/male is superior then girls/woman. and boys/male will inherit their family name. You will not win at all and will just make you looks like a troubling daughter.
Just accept the situation and keep your self busy with things you like to do. Avoid confrontation, useless and pointless.
An opinion from me, who've been there for 40+ years and never heard by my asian parents since I am not a male. I lose from I was born into this world as a girl.
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