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I miss her. She used to be the light of my life, a soothing and cheerful presence in a pit of despair and loneliness and a permanent feeling of hostility. She was my love and my beacon, and I was aware of it, but I made a terrible mistake because I was afraid of loving her too deeply, too fiercely (homosexuality is not tolerated in my family) and I thought: maybe it's okay to seek other friends, maybe my life should not revolve so much around her, maybe the place where I find solace and refuge is also the one that keeps me from forming new connections and finding true, lasting peace. We both had a very messed-up childhood and tons of problems and emotional baggage (I still do), so I thought we were feeding off each other's turmoil, which wasn't healthy for any of us. I was probably right, and I still believe we draw some twisted pleasure from the darkness we had wrapped ourselves in; however, when we grew apart and finally lost touch a few years ago, I didn't predict I would feel this bad. It feels as though I'm in the same terrible place I used to be when she was by my side (confined in an oppressive household, with no hope for a better future), but without her warmth that made live worth living. I thought this would give us the chance to be free and explore ourselves, but it has only made me feel miserable and trapped into a cycle of depersonalization. I've been told I may have BPD, but I've never been diagnosed by a professional. What can I do to get out of this situation of emotional apathy and constant, mute pain? I just don't feel like studying anymore, my grades have dropped (I used to be the best, with a promising career ahead), I can't find any joy in life anymore. I miss my best friend, the love of my life, that beautiful and brave girl I fell in love with from the tender age of four, but what if I'm just projecting? What if I'm not missing her, but the image of her I’ve created in my mind as a sweet, impossible promise to get by? I wrote her a letter some months ago, apologizing for any way in which I may have wronged her; but I didn’t want to be unfair to her and burden her with my issues, so I told her I didn’t expect anything from her, that I only wanted to tell her how much she meant to me growing up. She didn’t answer, so I don’t know what I should do know, how can I straighten my life and whether there’s some hope left for us, given the intimate and beautiful relationship we used to have. I would really appreciate some advice, as I really feel like I’ve reached a dead end.
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Things in life change all the time and I had a friend who I liked a lot when I was in a dreadful marriage. When she went away I was upset and lost but I got over the loss and so will you. I stayed in the horrible marriage for two years and then got out of it. Life went on and I found out that my friend had died but by then I had almost forgotten her. You will one day forget as well and all of this will be water under a bridge.
ReplyDo you know for sure that she received your letter?
Reply