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I'm a 36 year old male that has been a textbook ADHD person my entire life. It has been both my greatest asset and my biggest handicap over my life time. The trouble is that with ADHD I have had a tendency towards depression, negativity and low self-esteam due to relentless self criticism and major rejection sensitivity. In the last year I have hit rock bottom emotionally at least a hand full of times. The cruel thoughts of suicide hover in the back of my mind. These thoughts surface during especially stressful times and crisis moments in my life where it seems I cannot get to a point in my life that I'm not living paycheck to paycheck with very little wiggle room what so ever. For most of my 15 year career I've been just one small incident away from financial ruin. I'm getting tired and my health has taken a beating from always trying to survive and stay afloat. I'm at an inescapable existential crisis where I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel as though I will have to live like this until I die. There is no relief no safety net nothing to stop my hardship and how miserable it makes me feel. This isn't for a lack of trying. I have been employed since the age of 14. I have been dedicated and hard working to the extent of self destruction my whole adault life. I also have a tendency to excel at my skills and talents above most people. On paper I should be successful and above others. I mean, I have been very decaplined and fragile as an adault. Currently the only dept I have is from a very modest home mortgage in a small town at $50,000. I acquired three years ago. Needless to say it is poverty at its best. The rest of the small amount of junk I own is payed for. I shouldn't have to live a life of such meagerness cuz I work to damb hard. Yestday I lost my job and it crushed me. I came home Friday night after being laid off and I didn't have it left in me to move forward with life. I had forgotten to get any food for my beloved house cat because I was left with the dred of knowing I was unemployed and couldn't think past it. My cat and I live alone and we had not eaten in two days. This was partially due to my depressed state. Also because I was afraid to use the last bit of money for the month on food. Last night I considered turning my cat loose to the neighborhood hoping that someone could give her a better life. But I remembered she had been declawed. It scared me to think she couldn't defend herself if she couldn't find help. I decided to end all hope and drive to town to buy her a bag of food so she could make it by for a few days if I was going to leave this world tonight. I bought 5lbs of cat food and a pack of cigarettes for myself to enjoy on my car ride. I through caution to the wind and decided to push my car to top speed then drive until I lost the road and crashed was the plan. I felt liberated without my seat belt on. I could feel my heart racing with the thrill of speed. I came into a set of curves that I have driven through many times so I knew that I was coming in hot. I braked into the corner like a race car driver setting up a line through the corner. I could feel the brakes fade through the pedal. My 19 year old clapped out Toyota Avalon went into a four wheel tire skid as I clipped the appex of the corner and began to understeer toward the uncomming lane and opposite shoulder of the road. I managed to drift the corner doing 75mph through a suggested 35 mph 90 degree right hand bend. I used half of the left lane ditch at full counter steer and exited the corner tires blazing in smoke. The steering wheel snapped back to straight with force as I exited my skid. I was still traveling 60mph as I regained control back into my right lane. The rush i felt as I narrowly escaped death or at least a very nasty crash resulting in what could of been life altering injury. The most close to death is the most you will ever feel alive. I looked over at the bag of cat food I had just bought that had slid next to me on the seat from the force of the corner. I felt an unimaginable importance to return to my cat and give her the bag of food. She could of very well died too without it. If I had not returned home with it cuz I had killed myself along the way. It would probably had been days before someone would have thought to check on my lonely house if I had died. I don't think I have ever cried harder than last night while sitting alone in the dark and silence with my cat thinking about my actions and how I felt. I wasn't able to sleep last night and I'm very exhausted and hungry today. I now have to pick up my life again and just keep moving forward and act like yesterday didn't happen. Really, no one but who ever reads this will know I tried to end my life.
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