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When i was born, my father was abroad. I must say, from the moment i was born, till this day, i never saw my father and my mother in the same room breathing the same air. After my father went abroad their relationship went more downhill than it already was. And i think i was the one taking the direct blow of that. My father would often call us from abroad, and only would talk to my two older sister's. And from what i remember, every once in a while when he'd talk to me, he'd only ask me one thing, ' what's your name '? and at first, since i was barely a 6 years old, i would tell him my nickname given by my grandfather(maternal) . And he'd get really mad and hung up the phone because i didn't reply him with HIS GIVEN NAME. That's how he bonded with me. I never even knew what he looked like until i turned 16. Before that, he stopped having any kind of connection even tho we lived in the same country, same city. My father and i was literally strangers.After i turned 16, he called me and wanted to meet. i was over the moon. Even tho, he wasn't there when i needed him, i was ready to forgive him with a single 'sorry' which never came out of his mouth and neither from his action. Needless to say, my life was tough. My mother was struggling taking care of 3 children without any job. My mother would often stay mad whole day coz of our financial condition. Home for me, was both physical and mental torture. Our father, all those time, never reached out even tho he very much had the ability to. When i was in middle school, i would often see the girl's bringing their fathers on parent - teachers meeting or they'd come to take thier daughter's home,for me there was no one. i would always walk alone with a heavy heart hiding sighs when i saw those views. I comforted myself that someday I'd also have a father to show off. Only i know how hard all those time was for me.
Anyways, he called and wanted to meet, so i went, the only thing he talked about was how my mother was a menace and ruined our lives. Tbh, i don't care whatever my mother did, at least she did not left us. She was with us through thick and thin. I was timid and scared , so i stayed quiet abt whatever he said. From then one, he'd often call and every thing was related to badmouthing my mother. I listened. I waited for only one thing. An Apology. I badly needed to forgive him. Otherwise it was hard for me. I couldn't forget how he ruined my childhood. He gave me trauma. When i was young, i thought my parents split apart coz i was born. I grew severe self harming issues from then on. I was barely 14/15. My father once said this to one of our relatives that i wasn't his daughter.Now think, i was barely a 9/10 yrs old when i heard this news, what would have happened when you come to learn something like this coming out of your fathers mouth. I Hated myself. Still to today, no matter how i try, even tho i know the truth, i find it hard to love myself. I had carry the burden of guilt my whole childhood. Even my older sisters had the doubt whether i was their real sister. It was hard at home. Really hard. Due to my mother's anger issues, i could never voice out my thoughts. I now developed an issue thanks to that. I can't get mad. No matter what i lost my ability to get angry. My life had been hell. Only coz of two person. But i mainly blame my father. He'd call me every now and then.And tho i am not obeliged, i physically can't stop myself from answering his calls. He called me a few days ago, and asked me to visit his house (he has remarried) and this is exactly how he told me this ' is your middle sister at home? '
and i said, no,( since my two older sister moved in another city and i am the only one living with my mother)
and then he was like ' If she comes in the town, you must bring her with you '
He said it in a tone that if my middle sister doesn't come, I'm not allowed to come either.( i am not and never will be jealous of my sisters.We are all the victim and i could never hate them)
I am used to it. He'd never ask me how I've been, what ive been upto , he'd only ask me abt my middle sister ( according to my mother, my father was always obsessed with my middle sister but my sister a few years ago cut him from her life so he'd start calling me only to work as his messenger.)
One time, i had asked what class i read in ( i was in high school then), he ignored my question. He doesn't even know how old i am let alone my interests/hobbies.
I am tired. Really. Really.Really. Every time i try to get my life back, one phone call from him, and it'd make me have nightmares for the next 7 days.
I have had zero friends in kindergarten, primary, middle and high school. I am afraid if i have a friend and i get infatuated with them, what if i get left behind? Like my father did? When i was young i had this constant fear that what if my mother also leaves me? this thoughts left big scar to heal on me. I have no so love live. I can't get close to people forgetting the fear of being left behind.
I am tired of being tied by an invisible shackle by my father.
I don't want to controled by these thoughts anymore. I feel sick. My life is a mess coz of this tangled up relationships. I want to forget i ever had a father. But as one always crave for the thing they never had, it's the same for me. There's a big hole in me left by the absence of my father. I dont know how to fill this crave.
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I’m so sorry you had to go through all that! I know it’s difficult but keep fighting for your happiness! You deserve it and good things are coming your way too! I hope you heal from all the pain and trauma. Sending you love :)
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