I'm a loser

Shit man, Idek where the fuck to begin. Obviously, the writing is gonna be unprofessional, I'm on fucking google looking up places to write freely and trauma dump yk. To get shit off my chest and stuff, but again I don't know where to start so I'll just start from the start bc duh fr.

Born on July 20th, 2004, I started to fuck things up. For starters, my birth gave my mom mental health issues, like okay granted there were outside factors that made it such an extreme but overall if she wasn't pregnant with me she'd be fine that's just fact. My dad ended up becoming more stressed out and his temper got worse due to me existing and my mom getting whatever she got. According to my family my dad's been the same my whole life he's just worse than he was after he had me.

First 5 years of my life were filled with violence. Cops, parents fighting, abuse. Idk apparently shit got real but I was too young to like go "Oh shit, this isn't normal!" yk. And then my little brother comes along. Who's fucking brilliant idea was that.

He's born and I'm like "Wow, there's a kid...why's no one raising it?". Sure they fed it, sure they changed it, but they weren't raising it. To raise a kid means to make sure they reach their fullest potential as a person and develop into someone they're happy with. Or at least that's what it means to me. So I took it upon myself to make this motherfucker my little brother/son. I had to grow up fast to make sure this kid had a decent figure to look up to.

Elementary school was weird I'm not gonna lie. It was like a weird fever dream or an acid trip. Things felt uncanny at my school, but the teachers were nice. I had meaningful connections with my elementary school teachers. They built my personality yk, raised me into the person I am today. The campus was decent too honestly, but when I say the "school" I'm talking about the kids. They were the classic smart, Asian, white, student council type students because I was in GATE (gifted and talented education). I guess GATE students all shared shitty parents because holy fuck were there some messed up kids. No bullying though, not from me and I didn't receive any either. I did ask a girl out though because I thought that's what men did (I made her a ring out of a penny and she smacked it away and said nah haha). At home though I was getting beat for everything. Not wearing sandals, forgetting my math book at school, not drinking milk yk, and the usual Asian abuse (am I asian? idk why im asking but i do yfm haha). I got through it though, made it to 7th grade.

Middle school was when I was like alright, I'm in the double digits, I'm officially an older brother. So I acted in a way that I thought showed I was older (it didn't, i was kind of an ass). It was when I learrned to listen to people though and how valuable listening to someone talk about their problems could be. It was also when I came to the epiphany that I should use my scars to make myself relatable to a bunch of people and help them on their journey. But I did say mean things to people I cared about and to them I'm sorry, I really am. (also I loved you Stella, you just fucking suck.) I took out my powerless feeling at home on people's emotions. It helped me feel like I was better than people, and it helped me feel older, than my brother. But hey, you live, you learn, and you move on to high school.

High school can suck my fat girthy dick. It was one of the worst experiences I ever had. During freshman year I was with a group of people who thought they were slick and making fun of me. I knew but I just let it happen because I was lonely. My friends from middle school are somewhere else and I was just alone. I did rekindle old friendships with people from elementary school but I ended up transferring before it became anything sincere. I arrive to this new school and I'm alone again. I turned to drugs. I felt something other than sadness and anger yk it helped. And then I started to not feel anything and things took a turn. I was scared. I was scared of myself, for my brother. I didn't know what to do, and I was alone (side note: if it isn't obvious already my family doesn't keep in touch with me much, any of them really and I tried btw it's not like I was a petty bitch over them not talking to me for years). Oh yeah, I was really violent during my freshman year shit I almost completely forgot. Shit was toxic cuz cholitos would always press me like why? And people thought it was fun to fight each other so I was like fuggit let's box ig. The more I write this the more I'm learning it's hard to summarize your life but anyway back on topic. I got played by a bitch, I got into a relationship with someone who was toxic for me, We talked about the drugs already, I let Stella kiss me and shove candy down my throat my senior year (...yeah...ik...my name's not on here for a reason k...mistakes r real), my date ditched me during prom, people started spreading rumors when they found out I existed (bro unrelated but also kinda related, I had a bitch from another high school who I was friends with in elementary take a pic with me like I was a souvenir they were trying to show off. First thing they did when they saw me was ask for a pic. Not even a "How've you been?" like the literal dialogue was "Holy shit Dat?" "Can I get a pic?" "Thanks!" "Good seeing you!" like the fuck? but anyway) I got harassed by dudes who wanted to fuck my girlfriend, I failed my senior year (i graduated tho in case ur rooting for me if ur not fuck u fucking hater), but yeah a lot happened.

And now, I'm in college but I got kicked out, My grandma is just as toxic as my dad, My uncle isn't enough to help me get the snowball rolling, I'm broke, I'm too anxious to go to school, I'm always anxious and tense every day, There's no good night of sleep without a panic attack prior, My family still hasn't reached out after knowing my situation, My song's data got destroyed by a scamming playlisting company (not even my fault I bought zero guarateed streams or playlisting fuck wavr.ai), My dad spent my financial aid because he decided to stay home instead of work like a bum and now he's demanding me for money because he can't pay for my insurance (honestly give up the act bro u don't know what you're doing just give me my papers so i can get my life going you piece of absolute shit of a father), No one offers an ear anymore and Ig that comes with age, I sleep on an air mattress in the corner of my uncle's work office and I'm too anxious to freely roam the home, I'm basically fucked.

Eminem said in a song once, "Palms are sweaty/knees weak/arms are heavy", and shit bruh #relatable.

I lost yk. I took an L, been taking L's bound to get a W soon like those motivational Instagram fuckers. No, but you gotta agree, my life isn't exactly ideal yk it's a loss for sure. But hey yk how do people think dying means you lost in life? Fuck that, I already lost and that's okay. I lost and will continue to lose for the rest of my life and that's okay. It's okay because if I'm strong enough to accept that as my life I'm indestructible.

Thanks for reading

ps i hope this all made sense but fr this shit helps try it

psps rereading this is kinda cool, in a summary about my life i accidentally revealed myself after trying so hard to keep my anonymity

pspsps acceptance is hard. i'm trying just as much as anyone can. you could argue i believe in that last sentence because i'm desperate and have nothing else to cling onto to be strong enough to keep going. and honestly yeah probably, doesn't make me wrong though, desperation doesn't guarantee error or false information.

pspspsps i still dont know where im going with this project i changed the title 4 times

PS: I figured out something meaningful to go along with whatever this is just because I like art that inspires or invokes people's emotions. The idea is, I want people to be okay with losing, and okay with the negatives in their life. You don't need to be so laser focused on success and winning all the time. Losing's fine man, you learn so so so so much more. I live my life wanting to be a good person and I don't think I'd be so confident on my path if I didn't lose so much.