05.01.2023

I don't think she cares. She would do anything for anyone but me. I guess I can just say that I am kind of just there. I always thought I wasn't even a planned kid I mean I don't really know my biological father. My mother just always used to tell me that he wasn't or isn't a good person. He is abusive and let my mother do the work for him. He broke things and hurt her. I never really got the chance to have a nice and loving family because I was always alone with just my mother. She finally decided to break up with him and moved away with me. We weren't wealthy or rich I mean she always had to work but it's not like we weren't happy with each other I guess. I don't have many memories from that time but I was stilll very young so yknow. After that she found someone else so I had to move kindergarden. I remember the day they had their first 'date'? Idk what it was but they ate something at a local restaurant. I was still young at the time but I think they were really in love. He was very nice to both of us and we lived with him. He had a really nice house and nice family. He would do anything for me and spending the holidays outside of our town was the best thing that has ever happened to me. We also got a cat his name is Jonny. He is still one of the best things that have ever happened to me and he will always be in my heart. Lets just say those were my honey moon moments. I finally felt like I had a real family. But things obviously started to change a few years later. Every day I heard yelling and I went to them and asked but they always just told me that they are discussing something but I never believed them. Every morning, afternoon, night, every second, minute and hour I heard yelling but I thought it was normal. Turns out it wasn't. Their relationship started to fall appart and I tried to keep them together. Then things got worse. I was in my second year of middle school I think and my mother said we have to move away. So we found an appartment in the same town so I can finish my middle school years. When we moved was the worst time of my life. Every day and night I cried. I just wanted to leave, I wanted to go home. A few months later my mother asked if me could move back in with him just for a year so I can finish my school. He said ok, he was nice to me I think but never to her. He always accused her in front of me. Or asked me why she would do that and that. So I was kind of in the middle of him and her and I did not like that one bit. At the time my grandparents bought an appartment right next to my stepfather's house so we moved there after a few months. It was really nice but just me and my mother so I was very lonely. Luckily I have my best friend who always supports me and helps me throughout my lilfe. My mother and stepfather were together for about 10 years. After my middle school final exam we finally moved away. My mother met someone else. Now we live near my grandparents with him and he is really nice to her. They are kind of the same and I like their relationship. He is also very sweet to me and I hope it stays that way. But the relationship between me and my mother changed. She is the sweetest to my second stepfather but to me? I always do things wrong or I am just wrong. When I ask for something I have to beg for it because she always says no and then when I do get it even tho I bought it with my own money she accuses me of it. She also never listenes to me. For example during my middle school years I started to get sleeping problems. I couldn't fall asleep because I was too scared. I always got sleep Paralysis and I was just a kid so obviously I got scared and freaked out. When I told my mom about it she just said: "Oh come on it's nothing you're just imagining things". Well it started to become worse to the point where I would just literally cry myself to sleep every night for the entire night. But suddenly when she found out that my second stepfather also has this she offered him help and treated him so nice. She never believed me but now she believes him and worries for him and him only. But that's not the only thing. Over these years of having sleep p. I got really depressed and started to hurt myself. After school I would just sleep or sit on the bed watching something on my phone. I turned into the worst introvert ever. I never talked to anyone and when I had to present something the air just gets stuck in my throat and I cannot talk (I still have this btw). I told my mother about it but she just says I am overreacting and just making this up. It got worse and worse till the point where I would literally do anything to skip school and I almost didn't get the chance to go to my final exam because of my absences. Obviously my mother wasn't happy about that but yknow she never is with me. Since that time signs of hyperhidrosis (still have it) started to show and I was so unhappy with my own body and felt so uncomfortable. She didn't believe me because this problem just doesn't exist in her mind. I couldn't wear my clothes because I felt ashamed. No kids from my class have this problem I think and I never wanted to show them that I do. I begged my mother to let me buy something hoping for it to be cured but nothing worked. She never thought about how it affects my life. She just always said it's my fault for always being on my phone and when I tell her about my depression she calls me an attention seeker or whatever. I think she just wished I was different. I hate school I think its a waste of our time and that I could learn so much more without it. It mentally hurts me and many other people because one bad grade could end us. whenever I get a bad grade my mother just says "You just have to learn more and harder" Well I am trying okay? I study day and night but that's also not okay for her because when I tell her I don't have time to do something right now she says I am lazy. Nothing is enough. I am not enough. That's what I keep telling myself. My dream was always to become an astronaut simply just because I wanted to experience something new and get away from everything for some time but she never really supported me in the first place. She said if I want to make this dream come true I have to work harder and not just be the lazy ass that I am and will always be. She pushed me into that career and I don't want to anymore. I want to do my passion and achieve things that I want to achieve not what she wants me to do. When I told her about that she didn't like that one bit and it was all my fault for being so lazy and giving up my dream. From that time I started to never tell her anything again just because it would just hurt me. I can't have my own opinion on something because she's obviously always right even tho she has never experienced it. I just want to be free again and appreciated and loved.

I hope you have people who support and love you for the person that you are <3 please never give up. Ily