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"Friends are always looked at with love, not envy." I am ashamed, I thought I was over it for a long time now. Why do I keep feeling this, I hate to admit, I don't want to feel like this, it is really shitty to feel some type of envy towards your closest friend.
Like why? How can I not control my emotions. I've been feeling envy towards my friend since middle school began, if I am completely being honest to myself, I would admit that I felt that way before, but just couldn't believe it. Now that I am finishing high school, we still are friends, nothing really change between our friendship and I hope it never ends even if we become old enough.
I started realizing this feelings when both of us changed school, I became self-conscious on myself and my friend instantly and effortlessly made a lot of friends. I was the quiet kid who just wanted to make friends and live any teenager life. But insecurity hit me at such young age and I started feeling envy towards my friend, every success she had, I faked being happy for her (again I am ashamed of myself), but I just couldn't be genuine, I didn't like her being "better" than me.
A couple of years after that, I even tried to distance myself from her because I knew that what I was feeling was wrong, I wanted to heal and find peace for myself. Realized that I was not naturally social (I'm introvert) and gave up on the thought of having lots of fun friends. I learned to have just few and I am grateful for them including her.
But now, it's like that feeling is starting to grow again, and I hate it. I can not control it. I don't want to lose her as a friend but at the same time is hurting me to see how successful she is and me not being genuinely happy for all her success.
What is wrong with me?
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Firstly, there is nothing wrong with you. Secondly, not every friendships will have an emotional connection. It is not necessary for that as well. Sometimes, you grow an emotional connection with your friend, and sometimes they will just be a passing cloud.
Talking about the feeling jealous part, I would say it is quite normal. In fact it is a basic human tendency to compare one's self with the other. You enter a room and find a person who is way better than you in every aspect. There your emotions would prevent you from accepting that they are better than you. This is because, you were holding a belief that you were better than them.
Now if you would ask me for a way stop such feelings, I would suggest you to first clear you mind and agree with yourself that they are better than you. It is okay to be not better than someone. It is a matter of practice that you will get better at things.
Once if you yourself know that the other person is better than you, you would never feel bad about yourself. But for that, you will have to "honestly" agree with yourself.
ReplyI believe that you are lonely and wish to make more friends, maybe talk to her and see if you can join with her hanging out if her and her new friends.
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