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tw suicide
I fucked everything up. i know i destroyed my own happiness. i could have kept living happily not knowing but i took a risk and it wasnt worth it and now its all wrong. i was told he might like me and i thought he liked me, though deep down i knew he didnt. and then i told him and of course, i was right. its so fucking stupid that being in love with someone triggered everything but i think it did. i really tried not to let it happen and i think i convinced myself i wasnt feeling like this because of him. he was so nice when he rejected me. he is one of the best people in the world and im not good enough for him. i only care a tiny bit that i dont actually get to be with him, i mostly care that i ruined our friendship. its not the same as it was before, although its close. now all of our talking became him and my best friend talking. i dont want to be upset i really really dont and i know its wrong, but i want to have their friendship. shes in the position i was before, shes in love with him and shes reading all of his signs and thinking he likes her. thing is shes closer to him than i ever was. i kind of new all along she liked him, but i didnt want to assume she did and i also just didnt want to think about it. i genuinely am over him now that i know i dont have a chance, although if i were given the chance i would take it, i do support her wanting him. i tried to be friends with him the way they were friends now, i wanted to support him through whatever hes going through which hes keeping a secret, and she did it effortlessly in two weeks. it feels like they only got so close in two weeks. im so mad at myself for feeling like this. i just want him back as a friend. but i know hes indifferent to me. even before the rejection, i was starting every conversation between us, i initiated everything. i know it sounds like im being delirious about him being such a good person but i know im not. ive reviewed everything and i know its not just me trying to put him on a pedestal. he is one of the kindest people i have ever met, one of the greatest, and he doesnt give a shit about me which means its something i did. i wish he would let me be there for him. i know it sounds so bad and selfish but i only wish to help him and be there for him, but deep down i know its just for me and im a terrible person. hes getting high when he doesnt want to, hes having mental breakdowns, hes not doing well, and both me and my best friend want to help him but we dont know how. he doesnt deserve it.
i didnt intend to just write about him. i dont know if his rejection stung so bad, even though he was so incredibly kind, and even pretended ike nothing happened after and we both tried out best to resume back to normal, sent me into this spiral. nothing feels real. every time i get a moment, in spaces of silence between conversation, in any moment that feels like an in between, and i start noticing my environment and my body and my thoughts, reality goes away and i start feeling like im in a dream and nothing is real. sometimes it gets so bad that all i want to do is just curl into myself and become nothing. im floating and the world is floating, everything is distorting, changing color, things are out of place, the world is a nightmare and i cant wake up.
i think maybe things were piling up without me noticing, a laundry pile i kept putting off, until The Rejection and i finally noticed the pile and feeling the weight of the task of dealing with it and i just cant take it.
i nearly committed suicide around two weeks ago. it feels like so much longer but it couldnt have been. because yesterday was three weeks since he rejected me, and it happened between that day and the mark of week one. this was the first time i genuinely thought i might do it, and i was coming to terms with me not being alive. i wrote out a note, which ive done before, but this time it was different and it felt more true, the talk of me being really gone. my body was going to splatter on the pavement below my window. it was beautiful night, the sky a purplish blue. a color that i associated with him, but it wasnt exactly the right shade of purplish blue. it leaned more towards just purple, his is more of a dusty blue with some purple. it was a warm night too, it smelled like summer. i opened my window far wider than usual. i crouched on the windowsill, debating whether or not those were my final moments. i really thought they were. i was hesitating, toeing the line of the inside of my room and empty space outside my window. at one point i had both my legs hanging out for a moment before i pulled back. i decided to try putting my upper body out first. ive stuck my upper body out the window before but never with the intention of suicide. this time, i saw more than i saw before those other times. i leaned out so far i truly saw the bricks around my window for the first time. i saw other peoples windows around me. all the midnight colors looked more vibrant, but in that way theyre vibrant in the dark. i noticed a light rain drizzle. i looked up, i felt it on my face, and started laughing. its so clique but i really dont know why and i cant figure it out. i was preparing to kill myself, half my body out the window, and i was just laughing. thinking about it, i think i felt some kind of irony. it was such a perfect night.
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