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Growing up I wanted to matter to somebody, anybody. I met you and it truly felt like I do. That I matter to you because you matter to me.
I messed up so much that I don’t have words anymore. That no matter what I do, I keep failing and you take it out on me. I’m too scared to talk to friends and family about my issues. I’m too scared to even open up to my therapist about you, because I’m scared they’ll all tell me to let go.
How do I let go of the only person who made me feel like I belong in this world? Because before you I was contemplating my existence and tolerating myself. Now though, I’m fighting the inner voices that repeat the words you say, and fighting your voice that tells me how much you wish I was dead.
I’m always fighting the names you called me and the adjectives you’ve used to describe me, especially when I see myself in the mirror. Covered in your scars. Covered in the wounds you’ve caused. Those are only the visible ones because the emotional wounds ran so deep I brought them out to the surface so I could see them in the light. They’re just as ugly as you told me I am, and I can’t believe you when you tell me otherwise.
I love you with every part of me that lives and breathes, and I know when I finally do it I’ll still love you then too. I’m too scared to ask you if you meant what you said when emotions were running high, because if we’re good and you still mean it…I’ll have nothing else that matters to me and it means that I’ll no longer matter to anyone.
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