the things i never told anyone

i don't think anyone understands how badly i need to be high like i cant think right now and i don't trust myself idk what im gonna to with my life its all this pressure im putting on myself and i just don't know why i have no reason but im credit all these problems for myself and i just need to be high im not addicted to weed i'm not addicted to the substance but i'm addicted to the feeling and the euphoria and the lack of feeling it causes all at the same time. the world stops moving and my mind stops with it. everything stops and i don't know who i am or what to do without weed i can't bring myself to do anything or feel anything and when i do feel things i feel them so much and it's impossible life is impossible without weed. I feel impossible and unfixable. I've grown to accept that feeling and even live with it and share room in my brain for it but it takes advantage of the tiny amount of room I have given it. It takes advantage of me, my thoughts , my body , it takes advantage and it takes more and more or everything that I asked for. I know it's not good for me, but what is? is feeling like this better? they say it messes with your brain but what if there’s nothing more to mess up? What then? I can't keep it up. I just can't keep doing this. I don't know what I'm doing but what I do know is that I need to get high and forget everything once again. This feeling is indescribable and bigger than any heartbreak you could imagine. its grief and the problems that come along with it. I have not been myself since I stopped . No matter how hard I try I don't feel like myself. I'm just not here. I wish I wasn't here at all then maybe I could feel better if everything just stopped. I just need to stop.

I just wanna feel ok. I want to feel like I'm doing my best and it's working. i want to feel real and i want to feel normal i just want o be a normal kid with normal problems and i know weed has affected my mental health but i can't help but think if i never stopped then i wouldn’t even know bc if i never stopped i wouldn’t feel it if i never stopped i wouldn’t have to go through this withdrawal right now and if i never stopped i wouldn’t th van to go back to cutting myself. i should have been smarter but if i never started idk where i wold b rn and what i would b doing how would be feeling this feeling sucks but the thing causing this feeling didn't suck it shouldn’t have sucks i could have j been getting high more often to ignore these feelings and it can fix it. i still have hope but i decided m not smoking weed anymore i've had my fun and now it's over but this was more than fun to me this was my life and the only thing sleeping it together i can't help but think i need to go somewhere i can talk ab this i need to go away somewhere not just therapist i want to go to a hospital. but it being over means im back to square 1 and im back to feeling like i cant do anything for myself again and im back to the urges not only to cut myself anymore urges to end y life urges to stop eating im desperate every minute of the day i just feel desprate for something anything that could help and i feel like nothings there anymore have nothing to cling onto and eventually the things i use to distract myself will become my values by default. they have become my values and i need to just let go and forget my mom told me to stop thinking about it and watch it from a distance but what if there's nothing else to think ab what if i cant watch it from a distance because it's already here in my head my brain taking away at me eating at me and what if i just never quit. i don't want karma from god so i quit but what if i'm still experiencing karma im still dealing with these feelings so ifs can deal now Maybe The karma is worth it because it’ll only get worse but I've been worse and I've got through. Maybe the karma I’ll get is something that’s worth it if I get to d o what I love again and the only thing that distracted me, and became my value. i can just deal with the karma by smoking more because it's the only thing that helped me deal with everything else and all this karma the newfound karma hurts but smoking covers it all i don't want to get on antidepressants anymore bc it numb me but tis is different these drugs are different. I just need one thing back. I'm desperate.

someth\imes i feel sick in the head because I imagine a life where the thing I used to cope with was an eating disorder. I fantasize about it and plan how I can hide it. I even go into detail and think about recovery and maybe I could be sent to a hospital if I had a real problem, not just stuff in my head to talk about something that people would get to ntice and when they notice maybe they will help. My parents are trying so hard to make this easy for me but I just kind of wish they would stop idk why I just do. i want help i need real help and real doctors i want to feel like something could work and this is an option we haven’t tried want to talk to my mom ab wanting to stay at hospital for a while but i don’t want her to feel like i'm being dramatic because she doesn't want her perfect daughter going somewhere for real sick people i just know hough that i need the help they prob=vde i and i want to feel like i've tried all my options im ready to open up but an hour every 2 weeks with Melissa isn’t enough i down want a therapies ti can talk o i want somewhere where i have no opinion but to get better want to feel something. ik they would be afraid of putting me there w the psychos but at the same time i think it would be good for me i genuinely do. I want to take control and do what I think can help and feel like this could. Even if it doesn’t it's kind of the only option I have. I just need hope for a better life even with help because I find myself struggling to accept help from anyone really. I just don’t want them to choose not to because they're afraid of the people there and just the idea of me being away when I need the most help. I know it’ll pass but I think I'm fn\inally ready to accept help. I just don’t know how to communicate with them. they think that im just in withdrawal feeling but i genuinely believe that i am in complete withdrawal from weed and nicotine not just the feeling and i'm strong enough to control it but i also don’t know how im going to approach this think i'll talk about it with melissa and decide with her ih ope she agrees and maybe she can help me talk to my parents. i don’t want to live in a hole anymore

when i first started cutting i did it for the control i felt, and i don’t regret cutting myself even with the scars it left because it was the safest and only option available to me at that time and if i didn't have that, then i don’t know what i would have don’t to myself. but ever since i stopped smoking , even though im still vaping today was th first day in around 8 months i have cut myself 2 easy in a row. i came home straight from practice and my shower that burned so ad meaning to do it and i did. i don’t regret it and even if i don’t feel a sense of relief, i never feel regret. i feel myself falling back into that addiction but i don’t know if i want to stop anymore. i don’t know i want to talk about it this time. i don’t want to ruin the only thing i have right now and i don’t see myself getting through this in a healthier way if i stop. i don’t think it's even about the feeling of control it gives me anymore but its the addiction that’s come back to take over, i don’t think it's going away this time. i don’t think i want it too. this is my thing and it what i have it's something that’s never done me wrong and it's safer than drugs or anything else. it eases my urges to get high and it helps more than anything i missed it so much. i'm glad i started i know it's selfish to say and god might give me karma for hurting the body he created but he knows the “lessons” he’s been giving me would have lead to this eventually. i won’t be careless this time and i will hide it better. im contempt with this new addiction.

I miss being high. I miss not being able to hold my head up in a matter of minutes after a couple hits in my room alone smoking. I miss that feeling. no amount of nice or cutting will compare. nothing will compare. i said i'll stop it but i'll never stop thinking about it. its ingrained in my memory forever no matter what its always in my head its her its here its here its not going away and i don't ever want to forget how it feels if i forget i'll want to remember again and i'm strong enough hot control it but i not think i want too. I want to feel in control of my feelings, not like I have to control my feelings constantly. I find comfort in my pain. It's all I have , it's all that distracts me from my brain. It's a blessing and a curse. The only thing holding me back is the spiritual karma and the long term effects I can have on me. I'm trying but it's not going away anytime soon. even when i stopped cutting for years after i still thought about it i still mourned it and this is going to be worse. I'm sure of it. I did some research on mental hospitals inpatient care. I want to go to one this summer.

it's so weird everything is triggering me. like movies especially like i didn't think anything could rly trigger me but like this one guy in this movie is smoking crack and like im triggered then this girl had a flashback to her time with her dead husband and im triggered bc the flashback made i look all weird and stuff idk how to explain it i'm so rigged to smoke weed again brah what do i do.