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Where to begin… Never in a million years would I have thought I’d fall into an almost-love triangle. I’m not even sure if it was just in my mind, I hope it wasn’t, I don’t want to seem crazy. Well to start, the first week of school, I noticed them both. I had a habit of scoping out crushes and going from there. I was afraid to even like either of them. It’s rude, I know, but B was a redhead, and that wasn’t what I usually went for. With L, I was afraid to be open with my sexuality.
My plan gone into action, L followed me on my socials and immediately dmed me. She said I was super pretty and had cool style, I said the same. We talked a ton and hung out in class. One day I noticed L walked B to class. I texted her asking what their label was (I didn’t ask exactly that, that’d be weird) and she said they’d been dating for 4 months. From that point we kind of all became friends. I had someone to talk to in my 2nd period class finally.
So we did what friends do, we texted separately. I didn’t find it weird I was texting B, I had no intention of trying to break them up. Things were pretty normal for a few weeks, at some point in conversation L had asked me if I liked girls at all. I said I was bicurious, and she told me she was bisexual. I teased B about it saying I was gonna take his girlfriend, of course completely a joke. If it were anyone else I wouldn’t have joked about that, but at this point we were all relatively close and understood each other’s humor.
L made more friends as the year went on and we drifted. B and I sat right next to each other in class so we were forced to talk pretty much. We got closer and it felt like a normal friendship, until it didn’t. A week before homecoming we were doing a project in our class. B mistakenly referred to me as L in front of three of his friends, and he got really embarrassed. We both said it was nothing and moved on because why focus on that when it was an innocent mistake. It happened again two days later and we laughed it off. This time B’s friend teased him about how B texted me more than L, his own girlfriend. At that point I’d felt uncomfortable, I mean why wouldn’t I? B agreed with his friend but said it meant nothing. At this point I’d tried to distance myself because I didn’t want to make L uncomfortable.
Homecoming day. I hadn’t gone with L and B, but we somehow spent most of the night together. A few times B had lost L and I found him. When they’d found each other I found another friend to hangout with. She told me she saw chemistry between B and I, and that he looked at me lustfully. I said that was wrong because he was head over heels for L. I mean come on, they told me B once ran a mile to get medicine and food for L when she was having period cramps. He smiled when he talked about her and would ask me for advice on how to surprise her with things. Well anyways, the night went on, we danced in a group and again somehow lost L. Awful circumstances that we were surrounded by 6 feet tall football players and the music was loud. When we noticed L was gone we talked about where she could be. L texted B saying she’d be back and wanted to rest because jumping up and down for 30 minutes straight to music was exhausting. I was battling myself. When B and I were shouting trying to hear over the music, I found myself watching his lips and I saw him watching mine. We were an inch or two from each other’s faces and I tried backing up, we were getting too close. I resisted the urge to kiss him, it would’ve been completely wrong. Like a moth drawn to a flame, but then the moth was sprayed with bug spray, we didn’t kiss. I could tell we both felt tension but I’m glad we had self control.
The night was coming to an end, we found L, and I decided not to bring up what was forbidden. L and B shared a kiss as she walked to her mother’s car. I felt a crack in my heart which was soon melded back together as I reminded myself B and I would never be. B could drive himself home, but he said he’d wait for me to be picked up so I would be safe. My dad picked me up and asked about the redhead I was accompanied by. I said my friend. My dad has always been suspicious about my guy friends, considering I’d been an unholy one during the one relationship I told my parents about and they found out my shenanigans. But, he had no reason to be suspicious about B. I said B had a girlfriend whom he was madly in love with and the only reason we were standing with each other was because she’d left shortly before.
The Monday after homecoming, B and I acted as if nothing happened, because nothing did. I was upset with myself regardless. Why would I even think of betraying a friend like that? Especially one I had some feelings for. Am I just that desperate? Well, it didn’t matter. I would never speak of what happened and neither would B. B and I stayed close friends as L and I grew apart even more. My feelings for her were gone and we were barely friends. No bad blood, just not talking.
It was November when my seasonal depression hit. I was on a rampage. Talking to a new guy every few days trying to make myself feel worthy of love. I told B I couldn’t do it anymore. Talking to all of those guys wouldn’t help, and I told him I wish I wasn’t afraid of my sexuality because women would probably treat me way better than the guys I’d chosen. He let me vent however much I wanted, and I thought nothing of it because he said he wanted to be a therapist. I was very suicidal at this time and I think without B things would’ve been even worse.
It was now the end of December. I met a guy who I thought could help me love again after a failed situationship that I caught strong feelings in. I was ecstatic and B would tease me about the guy. Didn’t take long for that guy to lose feelings for me. Less than three weeks in fact. That’s how it’d mostly been since that situationship, I just become unlovable to guys. I didn’t mention the one guy I met at the beginning of December. Though I had a fling with him, he still messed me up. In my 2nd period class, with B, the guy had told me he needed a break. I was devastated because I a few minutes later I saw my friends posting with the guy. They were driving around our city, while drunk and high. I was bawling my eyes out and B was there telling me I didn’t need the guy. This was the closest B and I had ever been. We were the sitting on the floor behind lockers, he had his arm around me and his friends were standing by to make sure teachers wouldn’t see us outside of class. I thought nothing of it, I had bigger things to worry about, but now that I think about it, if I were L and I found out I would’ve been pissed.
The next day was my birthday, awesome right? The guy I had a crush on was putting his life in danger a few hours before it hit 12 AM. Much later in the day the guy texted me saying I was the only girl he could ever want, I was from his dreams and he was sorry for scaring me the day before. That didn’t last long. He texted me the next day saying he liked a different girl and I’ve couldn’t deal with my emotional instability.
Let’s go back to the end of December. This guy met my parents, I was his first kiss, then 6 days later he said he lost feelings. A day before he ended things, I noticed something was off. So I asked as a test what he liked about me. He couldn’t list three things. I was just pretty and played video games in his eyes. The day of the breakup he said he couldn’t deal with my overthinking. That was completely ridiculous to me. My overthinking was justified, considering it was right and he was losing interest. I spiraled after we officially ended things. I hyperventilated through the halls and luckily ran into B and L. B asked what was wrong as L looked at me confused and worried. That was when I broke. A full on panic attack, I was on the floor, half of my body was numb and I couldn’t see. B ran to get a teacher, and just like that I was in the counselors office.
A few weeks later, I’m at a school basketball game. I spot B and L, but I choose to sit with my other friends. Then I spot B again, but L wasn’t around. I text him and ask where L is and he said she got in trouble and had to go home. I go to sit with him and he texts L to ask if that was okay. I question him and he told me L said she was uncomfortable about our friendship. L said it was fine for us to sit together this one time, but wanted us to stop talking after the game was over. I agreed not knowing there were terms and conditions.
The game was over. I go home and I get a text from L.
“Hii! I really never wanted to do this, but since the day you had that panic attack at school, I felt really uncomfortable. You ran to B as if he was your own boyfriend and not mine. I hope you can understand my point of view. I’m sure if your boyfriend was prioritizing another girls needs before your own you’d be uncomfortable too. Not that that’s what was going on, it’s just I think I’m the one who should go to him for comfort, no one else. I hope you understand, I’m sorry.”
I understood completely, and she had every right to feel that way. I asked her if I would be able to be friends with him again in the future, and she said probably not. She was glad I took things easy, and I was too.
I never wanted to fall for him, but it happened. I think things would’ve been easier if I fell for L. After the stuff I’d gone through while being friends with B, I was almost trauma bonded to him. My childhood friend told me I had every right to feel this way, and it was good I wasn’t acting on my thoughts (making moves on B). Something I didn’t mention was that B and L had a cheating scare. L’s location was at a guys house, someone who she had history with. They talked things over and were at ease with what was discussed. My friend told me she thought L was a cheating liar, and that I deserved B after the stuff I’d gone through. Though he did the bare minimum in a relationship, the bare minimum was hard to find nowadays and I’d never experienced it. My friend said I shouldn’t feel bad for having homewrecker tendencies, especially since the house wasn’t completely stable, but deep down I knew it was wrong and I could never listen to her encouragement of me taking B from L.
It’s been months since we stopped being friends. B and L mostly hangout alone now. My friend jokes around saying it’s because L’s jealousy pushed all their friends away because she feared B would be taken away by another girl, but I think they’re just growing together and prefer each other’s company over anyone else. I envy what they have, I still haven’t found it he bare minimum in a guy, but B showed me there’s a possibility I’ll find it one day, so I have hope.
I’m aware my feelings were wrong, and I should’ve distanced myself completely from B, but when you’re falling for someone it’s hard to resist them. You fall for a reason, and it’s human nature to strive for something that you think is good for you.
This is a true story, and I’m sorry it reinforces the bad view of opposite gender friendships. Communicate with your partner if you feel uncomfortable about a friend, if they would rather keep the friend than listen to your pleas, break up. Never settle for less than what you deserve.
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