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No this isn't a poetic take at life... It's my genuine misery that I live through every single day...
Everyday I look around me: at friends, family, and even strangers on the internet, and I envy the fact that that have the emotional space for love. I envy that they aren't going through so much and they have the time to find a crush. I envy that they haven't lost faith and hope in everything around them and they actually feel good enough to find love within them.
I envy people who have good stories to tell about their homes and families. I envy that they don't want to run away everytime their family is around. I envy that they don't have to pretend that everything is okay with others. I envy that they're not hanging on by a strayed thread and just about to topple over.
I feel like an asshole for thinking these things, because I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I have to go through. But sometimes I just wish I had someone who understood me.... Someone who understood that I'm grateful for everyone who says they're there for me, but that just being there seems to not be enough anymore. Someone who understands that just a year ago I would never even think of considering suicide, but now it's becoming so much harder to push the freedom of death from my mind. Someone that understands that I'm so scared of everything, but that maybe if something bad happened to me, as long as it took me out of this hell I'm in, maybe I'd find my way to happiness again.
My inner child is screaming for my comfort.... But how can I give it to her when I myself am in so much misery?
I'm hanging on by the hope that one day I'll meet my saving grace, but I'm also scared that I won't be able to hang on for long enough and then regret it when I'm gone. I'm scared that because of how hurt I am, I'm going to hurt the person that tries to save me. I want to go, but I'm scared that this is just my pain talking and maybe I don't really want to go...
Maybe I could have dealt with just this pain, because I generally used to handle it pretty well. But with this confusion and deflated sense of self worth added to it, it just makes my life seem poisonous, and the only cure is death.
Back to my title.... I'm jealous of the people that can say they were once suicidal but they realised they have so much to live for... I'm jealous that they love themselves and their lives so much that death doesn't seem like heaven to them.... I'm jealous that they can have the hope that my struggles will eventually pass, when I can't see any end in sight...
If the people I'm describing sounds like you, the one reading this: I'm jealous of you, but I also hope you're always happy. I hope your faith in the goodness of life never fades. And I hope you never have to feel the misery I am living in...
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Please see a therapist to get the help you need to sort yourself out. Instead of being so negative and comparing yourself with others write a list of everything you have to be grateful for.
ReplyI'm hopinh you meant well by this, but did you take even a second to consider that the writer isn't in the headspace to think of things to be grateful for? I understand that maybe you're tired of hearing about people going through struggles in life, but unlike you who has the privelage of just listening to these stories, these people have to live through it every single day of their lives. There are people out there who know they need help but they can't get it because they can't afford therapy. The writer even said they felt bad for comparing themselves to others. And you decided to ignore all of that and make the writer feel like crap for struggling? Just "writing a list" is not going to take someone's problems away. Please be considerate and mindful of comments you post on stuff like this. If you're tired of seeing stuff like this then scroll through a funny thread on Reddit, this isn't the website for you.
ReplyHi, my life principle is that all of us are destined to be with someone, something like what the famous quote, 'No man is an Island' means. So maybe the only one for you is not just yet ready or in other place. Personally, I think we can lose faith in everything just except in love. Love is a wonderful thing, but sometimes when we get used to loneliness, it can make us blind and cold so we ended up being afraid and think we cannot love anyone anymore, this idea pf being scared is what pulls us down and never try. I think you are a wonderful person, and someone is out there is for you too but maybe you two haven't met yet. Life gets really messy sometimes but I know you can do it. Have a nice day!
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