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Tw:self harming
My parents, my relationship with them is awkward, i think its good but as i talk about it people say “ur in a toxic home.” I tell them how i feel and they dont understand how bad my anxiety is. I feel scared to express my feelings because my mom is always looking for the worse outcomes. I used to cut my arms, my parents never found out, but when my sister got caught, my mom made her take off her clothes to check for cuts. I dont want that to happen to me, i wanna do it so bad its like a drug.
My sister is the favorite child, she is in a band, is older than me, and is independent, unlike me. I have mild autism and my parents never told me. Even tho its mild, its hell every day. Ppl make jokes about it every day or treat me like im 3, nobody really knows i am because i mask it. They think i dont know but i do. I dont know how to feel anymore about my parents (more my mom, i am more comfortable around dad). Sometimes i may talk about something that upsets me, they may say “someone has it worse” I may have the best night with them and that makes me think “they arent so bad” and other nights its hell. Its summer now so i have to be with them more. They act different around my friends or other family members. They go around sharing personal stuff to family. I have a horrible fear of dogs, and sometimes i may jump if one is near by and my mom will say “sorry she is a little scared” or she will treat me like a baby if one is near by and say “dont pay attention to it, look at that thing its ok” like let me figure it out myself. It’s embarrassing i feel like im locked in a cage while everyone else is having fun with their parents and friends. Plus they think visiting a family member is a reward so i dont get to see them that much.
Sometimes they will yell at me and twist their words yesterday my mom asked my for my phone and i said “hold on” like ten times because my friends grandpa dies and i had to see if she was okay. My mom yelled “WHAT THE HELL ARE U LOOKING AT, GIVE ME THAT PHONE, THEY ARE MAKING U GUYS LAZY AND BRATTY” (istg i said hold on nicely). Me and her were in a small augment an hour before and i started just bawling my eyes out and said “MY FRIENDS GRANDPA DIED, SO JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE” and she got REALLY mad at me because my makeup was smeared and because i yelled back because she yelled at me first. My dad asked what happened and she said “i asked nicely for her phone and she got all mad, because she was checking on her friend, but she is being so bratty” dad sides with mom and i had to apologize.
Also last summer i was at the pool and these girls were giving me dirty looks, glaring at me, and screaming annoying shit. I asked my mom to pick me up early cus i felt uncomfortable there and she was mad about that, i told her what happened and i told her they went to my school, but we never talked. She said this when we got home “you need to stop being like this. Thats is the stupidest reason to leave the pool. No wonder why u lost so many friends, i dont blame them” she yelled other shit i didnt listen to. I ran to the shower crying for about half an hour, i was going through a lot at the time. When i got out she said “dont be sad it makes ur dad and i, sad” NO IT DOESNT. And i used to be picked on really badly at school not anymore, but she would say “ur being so mean to them u dont know their home”
I was planning on writing just a bit, but i wish my parents would understand me. I feel like im being too sensitive tho.
ReplyAnyone. Literally nobody does. But I'm expected to listen to others.
Replymy mom
Replyfirst my parents, I wish they would listen to my actual needs instead of giving me things they perceive as my needs. I don't need expensive stuffs I need their attention and for them to guide me, for them to console me whenever things get pretty rough. I just know what to do anymore, nobody listens and I'm tired of screaming to be heard.
ReplyMy dad, when I want to make a deduction, he will “nudge” me until I make the one the wants. He also doesn’t understand why I am then indecisive.
If I decide fully on my own and ignore his hints then he will even say “Umm ——, I think this decision would be better.” And I feel bad and say yes until he says:
“You were quite hard to nudge there.” 🫤
Replymyself
Reply