My Unsent Letter

Dear J,

I worry that sometimes you are with me only to keep me alive. I worry you don't actually love me. I love you with every ounce of me, I am fighting me to minimize your concern and increase our joy together. However, worry that I have manipulated you into loving me, out of your fear that something worse was going to happen to me. How do I have that convo with you? Back in November, where all this started. You cornered me into the corner. You called a help line on me. They didn't do anything, but you did something. You did something out of obligation from your job as an RA. Over the past couple of months this continues the loom over me everytime that I have the urge. I am not doing it for the sake of myself and my own scared skin, but to avoid that phone call, you voice, your sad eyes. Yet, it has not stopped me. The past couple of days, I have been home slowly losing my mind. With out school, I do not know how to function. Work does not give me a purpose, and k have a greater fear of what this is going to be like when I graduate. I have been kind of talking about this the past couple of days. My mood has been off, I have been irritable, I have been anxious. Today, you have been quieter. You started the convo before I woke up, but tapered off. This is your pattern. Whenever something is off you tend to negate communication with me. I think of everything that I have ever done, every flaw, and I am convinced that you hate me. I have fear that you will end things. It is so great of a fear that I contemplate ending things for you.

I don't always believe you love me. I often believe you love me out of pity and fear of what I may actually do. However, like with the self-harm, you have no control over what I do in the end. You add an additional person to think of, an additional person affected. However, you do not prevent the end desire.

Sincerely,

M