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I feel like my life is tearing apart rn. I have an important exam soon and I can't do anything to prepare it... I have autism and might have ADHD or ADD as well. I made a schedule but I can't even follow it as I should. I distract myself very easily and I have a hard time bc it's the holidays for everyone around me except people of my age I just wanna rest. Every single day I want to stay asleep and never wake up again...
I have been dealing w problems w my mother lately for no reason... She just pisses me off for absolutely nothing and I hate that. I don't have any personnal space anymore and feel like my family doesn't know what personal space is bc the keep invading mine. I don't even want to talk to them bc ik well how it goes... First they pretend they pay attention, then I can't be more mad than them, then we go off topic and at the and I'm sad bc we didn't talk abt what's wrong and they act like they knew me better than I do and nothing changes. They think that taking my phone away will always work when it just makes the situation worse. And to add a little more my father makes jokes even when he shouldn't bc I'm already mad as hell and if I answer smth he didn't like he just takes that superior attitude over me just bc I can't be more mad than him... My house feels more like a cage than anything else... And sometimes they even make fun of my insecurities without knowing so I just gotta pretend it's funny when it's not.
I can't even cry when I want to, the times when I need to are always public places so I don't let it go... I know I should be grateful abt a lot of things I have other people don't but... I just can't be happy w that. I feel ungrateful every day and can't help it... People often tell me to be grateful when I just can't and it makes me feel bad...
I feel like I have too much problems that I'm just faking to get attention bc I'm an attention seeker w autism, trust issues (thanks to my parents, judgment fear, low self esteem, and some other problems I never talk abt bc I don't want to be annoying such as depression and a weird obsession w d3@th...
Autism gave me the ability of copying everyone's personality. It's awful bc now idk who I am anymore... I feel like a dead and empty shell... I feel so dead inside that I constantly wonder why would I be useful so I feel useless all the time after thinking abt it...
Sometimes I just wish I was never born bc society is full of judgment and I have a big judgment fear that makes me want to be loved by every single being on earth... I can't stop doubting abt everything and I feel like people treat me as if I was stupid and it hurts bc they look at me right in the eye saying painful things and I gotta smile like an idiot bc I'm too shy to stand up for myself showing them I'm better than the stupid sh!t they say...
I feel so stupid every time I cry I try to smile no matter what... I pretend to be happy when I'm not... I feel so dumb. And when I cry idk why most of the time it's driving me crazy.
All of that is probably not even related to my stress abt my exam bc it happens since a long time. It probably makes it worse though.
I don't know why I put this on public, probably to get attention as I always do... But if you read it thank you. It will help to fix my need of attention a little bit I guess :)
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I used to be too shy to stand up for myself too but when the nastiness from people didn't stop so I was fed up and began standing up for myself and having a go back at them.
Please get pen and paper and write down everything you have to be grateful for. Start with a warm bed, a roof over your head, food, and clothing. Then add to it and see how many things you can come up with. You are doing too much negative thinking.
ReplyFirst off I'd say that a lot of us come here and remain anonymous because we want some attention or answers in some way, so you're not alone there.
It must be difficult being misunderstood. Sometimes people lack the patience to see things outside their perspective and understand what it's like to have a different struggle. But that probably causes you to want to be a chameleon in personality, to fit the mold. Maybe even down to the exam, you might have trouble with motivation on the idea of trying to copy others.
Honestly, I feel you on struggling to stay focused. I take it that you've had professional inventory on your mental health, but are there some strategies you use to keep focused? Maybe it's a fundamental issue of not knowing where you want to go.
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