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The most heartbreaking thing in the friendship world is when your friends drift away from you when they meet partners. You spend all these years cultivating memories and experiences with people. So many dinners, concerts, parties, lunches, movies, visits, tears, laughter, hugs..... Then someone comes along and suddenly, they start to disappear.
The first thing that happens is the frequency of talking. Text responses take longer and longer until they are finally reduced to an "lol", which is the text equivalent of "That's crazy."
The next thing that happens is all visits stop. The excuses start: suddenly, they're too tired for trivia night. They have to hit the gym after work so they can't go to the movies. They already have dinner plans with so-and-so. They're completely wiped out from work and are taking a night in. This seems fine for a bit until you wake up and realize you haven't seen them in 4 months.
The next thing that happens is you feel like strangers when you do finally meet up. They're so wrapped up in entertaining their partner while you're out that you feel like the third wheel. You start to notice that they talk to their partner more than they talk to you so you end up standing there listening to the banter. You awkwardly sip your coffee as your attention drifts around the room while they chat. You feel uncomfortable. Ignored. Out of place. You realize that they would be perfectly fine if you weren't even there.
Eventually, you stop seeing each other all together. It's hard to tell when this moment happens but it comes. Months of no texting. Months of wondering how they're doing. Months of wishing you could go back to the way things were but also feeling glad that they found happiness. Giving them the space to be happy is the hardest part. It is the most selfless sacrifice you'll ever make for your friends. It hurts. It's inevitable. People grow and change. They find new interests and friendship circles. They become the people they want to be. They are happy. They are in love.
And then, the break up happens and they flood themselves back into your life like they never disappeared. The texts come through again. Lunches are planned. Visits are scheduled. Everything is back the way it was....
...until they meet the next one.
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It seems like you are stuck in this unending loop of your closest friend being distant because of love, then boomeranged back to you once that love dies, and then repeated. An endless cycle that sounds really painful, especially after all those years of friendship and laughter and happy memories. Having them feel so distant and indifferent towards their partner but so different towards you is like they are being torn away from your side. And the worst part is that even throughout your efforts and pushing, excuses come from your friend, saying they can't do ---- with you because of ----. And when you DO get together, it feels so awkward and you feel tinges of sadness and regret from inviting them because you feel like a third wheel.
From my perspective, it seems like your friend keeps shifting who they prioritize across the board in their social relationships, over and over. It's really frustrating and sad and confusing and this entire spectrum of emotions that effect you- especially because they do these things seemingly blindly and unknowingly that their actions and priorities are having this domino on you. This is not to say that your friend is a bad person; maybe they are unaware and inexperienced which is why this keeps happening to you. The fact that you are going through this is horrible, and I'm really sorry you're going through this pain and these confusing emotions. I hope that your friend puts as much care in you as they do their partner. There's a quote that says 'In a relationship' doesn't mean that you stop talking and interacting with your friends. But on the contrary, there's another quote that says that life changes- you lose love. You lose friends. You lose pieces of yourself you didn't think would ever change. But over time, these seemingly 'forever lost pieces' come back. New, better love comes back. New, wiser friends come along. And a stronger, wiser, better you comes back.
Give time for yourself so you can take care of yourself through all these frustrating emotions, but also recognize that it's important to embrace change. But above all, always trust your gut. There's another quote that says your gut is 99% correct and 1% wrong. So trust yourself, and push through.
ReplyWhat an assessment! Wow, thank you so much for this. ππππππ
ReplyI know what you feel. And I know that talking about it creates confusion in your head and unfortunately people start thinking about how not to interfere with their close friend's life with their own existence. But that's wrong. Never do that. A close friend may act strange, but they still loves you too. I know that.
ReplyThank you so much. Sometimes, you just need to hear this, you know? Thank you.
ReplyI am a bit guilty of this when my relationship was new... I still made time for my friends! But not as much as I used to. Now that my relationship is older and more stable, i want to make more time for friends again but I'm being met with resitence and it feels like I am loosing my besties : ( I won't stop trying and i know we'll eventually be fine but it is breaking my heart right now.
I guess i expected them to understand that i needed to work on my relationship with my S.O. for a bit? Which.. I don't think they're mad at me for, i think we all just settled into a new routine? Anyway, I will not give up :) guess my S.O. will have to be the understanding one as i pour in my time to rebuild the friendships. I just wish relationships with people didn't take so much upkeep. I'll do it because my frineds and S.O. are all worth the effort, but i wish it was easier ':D
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