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i love you so much, i really really do. but you make me feel like shit. you snap, you lash out, you say hurtful words and you hit me. you say it’s ‘just a joke’ but you and i both know deep down, you mean everything you say and do. that fight we had last night really put things into perspective. you had no problem bringing up my weight and my home life when you know that those two things are the two things i hate most in this whole world. if you had no problem bringing that up to my face, i don’t even want to know what you say behind my back. i know i’m making you mad out to be the bad guy here. and i know i’m not perfect, im far from it. but you have to see where i’m coming from. i have years upon years of trauma from my shit childhood. and you’re always rambling on about how yours was ‘so good’ and how you’d never seen your parents argue until you were about 12 years old. and you just seemed so god damn proud of it. it was almost like you were saying it just to one up me ; because i know you just love to do that. i know i have a short temper, and i know i can be argumentative but i always apologise. we’ve been inseparable for nearly two years and i’ve never in those two years heard you say the words “i’m sorry”. i just want things to be back how they were even though i know they never will be. i hate change. you know i do. i can’t bare the thought of losing you, even though i have felt so much weight come off my shoulders in the one day we haven’t been talking. i feel relieved but yet i feel empty inside. i will always love and appreciate everything you do. and i hope you feel the same. i have sacrificed so much for you. and i hope you can see what you’re giving up for something that small. you can go around badmouthing me, i don’t care. but just don’t forget who was there for you when no one else was.
-C
27/06/2023
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