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"Throw roses into the abyss and say: 'here is my thanks to the monster who didn't succeed in swallowing me alive. '"
10 months ago · 2 · Depression, +4
224
I suppose this is the truest test of grit. Whether I can seperate the despair from myself and find the strength to seek out joy again.
Maybe I am weak. Maybe I am prolonging sadness longer than it needs to be here. Or maybe the grieving process really is taking this long for me. Maybe it would be better not to rush through it.
Maybe, with its icy, sharp tendrils snaked in and and around me, I should allow them to fall off as they would, in their own time, and not peel them from my skin prematurely.
If I'm being honest, right now being happy feels dangerous. It feels like setting myself up for a fall. It is safer in despair, because here nothing grows, nothing lives, and nothing can leave the ground. It's predictable, and once you acclimate to the coldness it starts to feel warm. The whole reason I live here, within the abyss that is grief, is because I had dared to find joy, and that opened the door for ruin and misfortune to slip through.
But I'm starting to understand: although it is a horrible existence now—and it feels dangerous to say this—it will not be bad permanently. There has to be an end to it.
I suppose what I'm getting at is, I don't know whether I should go out and find it, or whether it will find me. Do I let it stay the grief stay until it decides to leave, or do I kick it out and purge its presence of my own will?
It's true, there is no going back to the time before despair. And fighting it is not an easy thing at all. Especially when the thing that causes my pain is ongoing, and I cannot put it behind me. And I will not be able to put it behind me for maybe years to come.
I suppose the test is seeing whether or not I can find the light while being digested in the stomach of the abyss. I don't know that I can. I don't know that I will. I don't know that I am strong enough. But I must try.
That is the most admirable thing anyone can do.
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sorry your fears have you feeling like being happy is dangerous. sometimes people need to unpack some things they’ve feared letting out in order to find happiness. good luck to you.
ReplyI've heard the saying that for every peak there is a valley. It might be dangerous to climb the heights of happiness for the reason that a fall is possible. But my question to you is why be afraid of falling back to the bottom if you have learned to accept it while you rise again?
Reply