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It has just hit me after all these years the role I’m contributing to my own suffering in romantic relationships. Me and my fiancé had a recent fall out and it got bad the wedding was nearly called off. Some of the things he said to me were not the first time I’ve heard them. There was one guy years ago that I swore I loved and he almost moved cities for me after college. Our timing wasn’t the best because we were seeing each other right after I got out of a 3 year long toxic relationship. This new guy was honestly great but I couldn’t give him what he was looking for at the time and I was honest about it with him and I remember him breaking down crying. I then went and dated some chump not long after which I think was a coping mechanism and it was pretty messed up. At the time I didn’t care enough because I was finally focusing on myself. Then later when I realized how much I screwed up I tried to get him back and went to see him states away, I told him how I loved him and wouldn’t ever give up on him. But he told me about myself, it was hard to read and some of the things he mentioned were about how I never experienced love, and that he didn’t want me, we weren’t good for each other and that I relied on him too much, we went back and forth too much, it was too much energy and stress. He also said I didn’t listen (which was true). Only now 5 years later I’m realizing how defensive I got and went straight to attack when he shared his feelings and opinions. We ultimately had an amicable ending and wished each other well. Fast forward to now, my fiancé is saying similar that I bring him stress, I’m making his life harder, I don’t listen I just do what I want, and that he wants me to leave him alone just like the other guy did. I’m honestly a mess and seem to push away the people that love me. I don’t even realize I’m doing it until it’s late. This must be some trauma related behavior and I’m disappointed that it’s taken me until now to realize it when things have gotten this bad. They say you’ll repeat the same lessons until you learn them. My relationship with my fiancé hasn’t been easy and I don’t take all the blame but I’m starting to realize and understand why he did some things early on in the relationship, I was so unstable and he at least has done the work to better himself and I’ve made it so hard for him to speak up. I feel so awful, I’ll get back into therapy eventually when I get a job and insurance. I know I can be really hard on myself but that’s another trauma thing. I’m just praying for healing and I’ve been seeing a lot of themes about change and transformation. I want to free myself from all the negative experiences I’ve had that have held me back from achieving the things I deserve. I’ve been hurt by people and I hate that I’ve carried it with me and hurt others. No one’s perfect but I am feeling exposed to my own self sabotaging behaviors. Idk if anyone can relate or has gone through anything similar but wow life is such a journey. There’s no reset or restart button and there’s things I can’t take back. I’m trying to finally face it all and move forward. I love my fiancé and sadly I’m the one who rushed the relationship. We actually were official ( girlfriend and boyfriend) just 2 months after I was professing my love to someone else. That same guy had also told me I was crazy to think that what we had was the best it could be so maybe it worked the way it was supposed to. I fell in love with my fiancé and he is someone who despite all my flaws has had so much patience and never given up on me and I’ve done the same for him.
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I really pray for your healing. We all do have certain triggering behaviors that leads us to become a bad person unknowingly or knowingly even when we dont want to but realising them and acting to healing them really makes you to move on and leave those toxic behaviors. Heal yourself before you take a big step into your relationship. Then after you heal both of you can sit and talk about how you can make your relationship better. Make conscious actions of how you treat you fiance and be conscious about how you talk to him, being conscious can help you to not react impulsively when getting triggering. Take a small stell everyday to become an understanding partner no ome is perfect and you got this❤️
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