breaking up is hard to do

Today I'm not ok. I am not comfortable saying that. I feel selfish to feel that way; I am far more than ok compared to a lot of really bad circumstances in other people's lives. How dare I even suggest that I have reason to feel anything but absolutely blessed?

I have been trying to walk away from a toxic relationship (marriage) for several months. There are moments when I feel sure it's what I need to do, and even get excited about a new life on my own, and other days I can't bear the thought. The decision paralyzes me. I believe I would be happier without him (unless he becomes willing to work on himself, as I have been doing). Rather, he does not take accountability for his undesirable actions but puts the blame on me when they are brought to his attention. He always has a reason for raising his voice, or calling me worthless, or lying to me. He claims "there are all kinds of girls that would love to have me, I don't know what your problem is" or "compared to the men you have had before I can't believe you are complaining". That is not normal, right? I don't know anymore what I am supposed to put up with and what I am not. I am afraid I am making the wrong decision (but my gut tells me I would be kind of disappointed if I thought I had to spend the rest of my life with him).

I took getting married seriously. At what point does one stop hoping for change and leave for their own well-being? This is one of the most confusing positions I have ever been in.

Today I'm just going to have to be ok with not being ok. I'm clinging to the notion that right now I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing.