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I molested my sister when we were children. When I was old enough to realize it was bad I wanted to die. I spoiled her as much as I could to apologize in some way. I’m 30. I still wish I could die. I hate myself everyday. I wonder why. Why did I do it? Was I touched and then I passed it along? But I can’t remember who or if I was. I was just a disgusting perverted child. I could remember when I was very young, 5yrs old playing with my toys inappropriately. I cringe at the things I did. I want to erase it all. The more I wonder about why the worse the answers get. I want to die. I wonder why I’m still here. I wonder why I can’t kill myself. I apologized to her as adults. She said she forgives me but I don’t think she does. She doesn’t have to. I thought the guilt would subside eventually but it feel like it gets worse the older I get. The universe has punished me for doing what I did and made it so I can’t have children of my own. What if I hurt my own children anyway. I don’t like children. I don’t want to be around them. I don’t deserve to have children. I’m disgusting. The lowest type of human. I hate myself. Why won’t this guilt give me the strength to end my life?
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What's important is that you know you are wrong. What's more important is that you promise to never do it again. You were a child and now you are so much more mature and you deserve every happiness. Don't regret but start living for others...Donate or join a NGO...Help others and you might feel better.. Just know you changed.
Listen. My brother did same to me when I was 10. I won't lie I hated him for about 20 years after the fact. It broke me in ways you would not imagine. How ever after multiple conversations (I didnt remember lots of details our brains like to block that stuff out) and one huge yelling fest where he let me completely rip him to shreds I was finally able to start to find peace and to start to form a relationship with him again. Its still work in progress but there is progress. I dont hate him I still dont understand why he did it but I dont hate him anymore. Give it time and dont try to force a relationship with her and dont hug her touch her get to close to her etc. Space until shes ready. My thoughts are with you both.
ReplyThank you. We don’t speak or have contact anymore. Just wallowing in my thoughts. I appreciate your perspective and your bravery to share it. I wish you blessings and peace.
ReplyNo sweat. Your not a bad person. We all make mistakes.. its all about how you change moving forward.
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