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I'm scared. Fifteen to eighteen seemed like only a year has passed by. A lump is stuck in my throat trying to shorten my breath and eventually strangle me. The question I'm mostly afraid to ask myself is "What's the craziest thing you did as a teenager?". That page is blank. Probably crying myself to sleep at 3am or taking 25 pills at once. Having fun it's other people's privilege. Yes I'm an introvert but currently home feels like a prison. Imagine being free to go outside and yet you can not. At least being an actual prisoner I'd be at peace knowing I'm deprived of my freedom rights. "Friends" won't reach out to me unless I do. So I don't. Instead I watch them living their little perfect lifes while I'm languishing on my couch. I'm not jealous. Not at all. I just desperately want to live and not just exist with my overthinking and and the vast emptiness and loneliness. I want to be able to feel again. Even if get hurt. Even if I end up broken again. I'd give everything to be able to love and be loved. Touch and be touched. Let someone in on my aching soul and see theirs.
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I'm 27 and was always really mature at your age and feel like I missed out on a lot of other things people are doing. It's never too late to write a bucket list and start trying new things or getting back into something you stopped doing. I abseiled a 10 story building this year, got back into football, gave blood, got a tattoo and am looking to take up snowboarding lessons. Also things like salsa dancing, a new piercing, country music festival and doing karaoke are random things on my list. Even if your a little scared of doing something it's sometimes good to test yourself and try it. You got this whether you do something alone or with friends. Maybe even some travelling or back packing? I hope you find what lights your spark and know that everyone goes through times like you are going through when trying to find themselves or what makes them happy. You got this
ReplyI was there...I learned to enjoy time by myself. I traveled abroad alone. Being scared is ok, we all feel it but you can do things even when you are scared. These "friends" are not real friends, trust me. Soon or later they will start to pretend they do not know you. Focus on yourself, on your self-care, and on your education or job. Be nice to other people, I am sure some new friends will appear soon. You can create a list of goals - what you want to reach and how? maybe find new hobbies? Going out alone? Have your own living? Step-by-step. Good luck :-)
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