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I tried killing myself the other day. This is nothing new, being that my life is a disaster, but this time the attempt had left a more lasting effect than another failed attempt.
I took two bottles of sleeping pills. My plan was to put an oven bag over my head, tied with rubber bands and such. The problem is that there was no time to tie them properly, especially when dozing. I should’ve planned better.
It was like a Seinfeld episode trying to wrap the bag so it cut off any air while getting the rubber bands around that. Throw in the meds finally working a bit time-wise, and you can see the debacle.
I figured two bottles of sleeping pills and a rather large dose should at least put me in a coma. Nope. I could’ve called 911, but I was sick of being stared at with weird faces. So I said screw it.
I do what I do with every painful psychological hell most would frown at, which I endured. I wish I hadn’t. I’ve never had vertigo as bad as that day. It was so bad that I kept throwing up, trying to get up to walk, and falling down.
One time I fell down so hard and fast that I hit my head on the coffee table, which almost knocked me out. In between vomitting, intense stomach pains, and headaches, the vertigo only grew as the day went on.
I found myself attempting to get up only to fall down, and my whole body was in agony. My knees constantly buckled, and the overwhelming urge was to stay down and just vomit. Suffice to say, it was really bad.
I always wondered what it would be like to attempt suicide with pills and not have your stomach pumped. Now, I know all too well. Utter helplessness and intense, mind-blowing pain from all angles. It’s humbling but honest in it’s darkness.
I’d imagine this is what happens to the body while one is out during a suicide attempt when you’re not awake. It's hard to say, but the body taking over, shutting down, and trying to fend itself is what I kept thinking as I tried to move.
What people don’t realize is that it’s actually hard to kill yourself. I’ve tried almost all of them, and I’m in middle age, close to 50. It’s painful as it should be, but honest and cruel when you do not.
I’ve failed dozens of times, but this was one of the big ones. I was close. Only a couple of other times in my life have I been this close, and I could feel it in my body during and afterwards.
My mind is amazingly fine, but my hands now shake often, and I still get dizzy at times. I also find myself sidewalking as if I’m drunk and about to fall down, but I just catch myself in enough time to not. It’s humbling, albeit a constant reminder of what I did.
I am not one of those people who judges a person by things such as this that they may do. I get it and all the feelings, thoughts, and pain involving it.
My only words to you are: have a foolproof plan, and if you aren’t successful, call someone immediately. If not, you’re in for a horrific bumpy ride that may be long-lasting, like mine.
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Hey I'm glad you're still here. I know life dont always go our way but that doesn't mean the possibility of a better future will either. I wont give you my life story but it hasn't been a bed of roses either. I don't know what has brought you to the point you thought ending it would make things better but I really hope things get better for you. Reach out to someone if you have to just don't throw your life away. Your life has value meaning and purpose. You just have to find whatever it is you enjoy. Keep going ok.
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