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Things are really really bad right now. I'm drinking almost every day. I haven't been social, not with my actual friends at least. I mean, I went out of town with my sister the other day and I'm working a lot and I like talking to my coworkers. But that's all just to fill my schedule up, I haven't really been talking to either of my best friends much. And the urge to hurt myself has been coming back a lot recently. I got up to exactly 5 months clean this year before relapsing. It's been 20 days now since the last time, but it is definitely getting harder to keep that up. And while that urge is coming back, the urge to drink just keeps getting stronger and stronger. I mean I just drank a beer at 10 in the morning. It's just one for before I go to work, but how often am I going to start that? "It's just one" can turn into "It's just two" then before I know it, I will constantly be, at the very least, buzzed if not drunk.
And I think I'm using the fact that I move into my college dorms in 5 days as an excuse to let things get worse. Because I know that everything will get so much better once I go. But until then, I just keep hurting myself.
And I know how this works. I mean I've cut myself since I was 11 years old (I'm 18 now) and, before this year, the longest I had ever gone clean from self-harm was maybe 2 1/2 months. And I admit that for awhile there, I was 100% addicted to self-harm, if not still. So I know how addiction can be, and I know how slippery that slope can get. And I know that I am well on my way to being addicted to alcohol, which doesn't just go away with a change of scenery.
But I will have 4 roommates. Things will be hard to hide if I want to continue to them. So I'm hoping that fact will at least help a bit. And if we're being really optimistic, moving is exactly what I need to maybe start trying to heal and be better. I'm not gonna get my hopes up too much because I have did that earlier this year and it was, without exaggerating, *devastating* when I started getting depressed again and relapsed. All of the hope I had built up went out the window within a few days, and I had a huge huge breakdown. So I'm especially wary now of being hopeful. But no matter what, I know that moving will help. I don't know how much, but I know that it will, at least a little bit. And it's just 5 more days. That's all I gotta last until my life changes.
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