i feel sick of myself.

every time i eat i feel like throwing up and i feel sick of myself because i always eat to the point where i will literally pop. it doesn't happen all the time but i do know that it happens too often. i used to throw up whatever i ate or drank because i thought it would make me feel better and look better but to no avail i gave up and started binge eating but to this day i still feel sick even after eating smaller portions of food (i started last month and stopped two weeks later). i think my body got into the habit of throwing up whatever i ate. now it makes me sick to think of how i used to cut myself to be happier and feel "cool". i used to starve myself for days until i broke and binge ate everything i could. i even tried to kill myself because i thought i was fat and "too big for my age" when i was only 11 years old. today i would never kill myself or harm myself unless its life or death and i am healthy but i am not sane. (Sorry for all the info i just had a lot to get off my chest but unfortunately there's more)