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This is my first time writing so bare with.
I am a teen boy living in England and I hate being gay.
To be gay is to constantly hold an enormous weight on your shoulders no one else understands than you.
People don't know what its like to have to hide a secret for years from family members because of how scared you are to tell them. People don't know the internal struggles I deal with on a daily basis to try and have people see me as not just another gay guy.
In the UK being gay has always had its stigma around it and it affected me bad. To be gay here is to be ready to for anything anyones gonna say or do to you and you have to take it with a smile.
Let me give examples of why I hate being gay.
Me and this boy from my school were hanging out a lot and we really liked each others company, he wasn't out to anyone at the time and I was outed buy my old friend who spilled all my secrets.
Me and this boy would call all night and hang out all day, he knew how to make me feel special for having his company. He told me he was gay and we was talking for a few weeks. He told me to meet him in our school toilets for some odd reason. I was very scared but i was down and I needed him to make me feel wanted.
I went to see him and he kissed me, I know its very insignificant but its something I wanted to hold close to me, my first boy kiss and he took it. Obviously I wasn't mad at the time but I was taken aback. That night he called me when his was finished with his 'girlfriend' at the time who was around his house showing me how much mess they made in his bedroom.
This hurt me. This is what I deserved and what I was destined for in life, a closeted boyfriend who wanted me for empty time in his schedule and me awaiting at his beckoning call. He ended things with me and now he doesn't even look me in the eyes.
It makes me mad thinking about it and words can fully describe the power this teen boy had over me but when he took all his attention away from me I decided to seek elsewhere.
I started entertaining older men and guys my age all over social media just to feel validated by another man, it was a disgusting time in my life.
Every time a boy would block me, remove me or even leave me on delivered I was depressed and it affected my school life aswell, I fell out with my friends constantly and felt unappreciated by everyone.
This means that every time now I get the slightest bit of attention from a boy I get infatuated on him. This is one of the reasons I hate being gay.
I will be make sure to go into other details about my life if people want me to I just want to see what people have to say about this and how I can improve on my writing and storytelling skills so please let me know.
See you for part 2 x
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It's funny you said that at the end because the whole time I was thinking 'this dude has mad writing skills.'
I'm not gay so I won't pretend to know what it's like, but the way you write makes me really feel it. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sucks when you have to carry a secret even though it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's society's problem for being so judgmental. Unfortunately try telling them that.
I do understand how this leaves you with emotional issues (i.e getting infatuated with anyone who gives you any attention) because I'm the same way. Different reasons but the result is the same. And it's emotionally exhausting. My solution is to withdraw from people so I don't have to deal with the whole mess. But that's not a solution, it's avoidance. I hope you can come to a better resolution, ideally with someone who has genuine feelings for you so your infatuation will be justified and appreciated.
ReplyI appreciate your ideas. Your own connection with the situations is something I wanted people to be able to have and I'm glad in some scenario you can relate to even an ounce of It.
I agree with your idea of avoidance. It isn't the best solution for a problem like your own but its hard to consider anything else when you're over stimulated with heavy emotions and issues so I understand your views.
Thank you for the feedback on my confession x
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