What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I haven't vocalised this before. I only realised it recently - that pretty much everything I do, every choice I make, every ambition or fantasy I have comes down to one thing.
I want to be the hero.
In every way, big or small. In its grandest form: in my line of work, I want to find a cure or prevention for cancer. I think it's at least partly why I'm going to become a vet: I want to save animals and for the owners to see me as the hero. It's certainly why the teaching profession has always been of interest to me - I want to be the one to inspire a child, give them hope and a future. It's why I tutor - I want to turn a failing kid's test scores around, give them confidence and help them nail their exams. It's why I want to mentor disadvantaged youth - I want to be that person who's a constant in their life, whom they trust and confide in, who can help and encourage them.
It's present in all the little things, too. When I see someone upset, I want to be the one to turn things around for them. That's why I'm viewed as an incredibly thoughtful and kind person, at least by the people I've made this effort for. I have hurt/comfort fantasies, and ever since I was a little kid I imagined people being sad and be making them feel better by being their friend. Not necessarily anyone I know, random people I invented worked just as well. I try my best to be a good human being, because I want to be the one everybody loves.
In some ways, it works - and that is the greatest gift I have ever felt. Knowing I've made a genuine, true difference to someone; that's all I want. Sometimes it fails, for example students I've tutored who were just past the point of hope - and I take that weighted failure upon me so much more than I should. I think I feel this more than many, because I almost go searching for the people who need help the most - this means that I also get more than my fair share of the people I'm unable to help, because the worse the situation is, the more I am compelled to become "the hero".
I always have to remind myself, in those moments, to think of the quote: "Not all patients can be saved, but that burden's not on you."
It's only recently that I've had this revelation; that everything I do, I do because I want to be "the hero". Thinking about it, I find it interesting that not everybody wants that - that it's not everybody's primary aim. Maybe I get too much of my own self-worth from what others think of me? I don't know, but it is a definite driving factor in my life.
It's all well and good telling me I should only care about what I think of myself, but the fact is that while I'm certainly happy with myself, that's not enough for me.
I want to be the hero.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
night time thoughts (!!!!TW!!!!)
I want to feel numb, i want to stop feeling so strongly about the smallest of things. i wish i was normal. i wish that when the smallest thing in my life doesn'...
-
Crsh
There is a boy. Okay, not a boy now; he is an adult. He is my neighbor's son. They live outside our country and come during vacation for a month. I knew him fro...
You want to do something or things that are meaningful in your life so it will do you good to be a doctor. Then you will be a hero who saves lives and helps to cure people. Or be a scientist and make new discoveries.
Reply