What I wish I could say to You

At first you were so good to me. I think that’s where it all went wrong. Thats why I fell so hard for you. I’ve never felt that love from anyone else, nevertheless a guy. It’s not your fault but a part of me does hate you, for letting me get so attached, for letting me crave you. I think it got so bad to the point where I think I would literally kill for you. I know I need help, I know it’ll be good when you leave, but I am so scared. You’re quite literally the only thing keeping me from myself and my emotions. What’s going to happen when you go to college, and forget about me, I have no idea. The thought of another bitch even near your vicinity makes me want to puke. But at the same time, it has to be this way, you can’t stay. I hate you. I love you but I hate you. I think of my hands in your hair, I think of your arms around my waist, I love you. I think of the baby whose tiny heart beat in my belly, I think of the ultrasound and the nurse looking at me, I think of her words, “are you sure this is your choice, nobody’s making you feel like you must make this choice”, I hate you. I think of the tiny vacuum that left remains in me like I deserved to see that, I hate you. I think it has a lot to do with the abortion. Before it, you were my comfort, my passion, but now, one part of me still craves you in every way, but there’s also a part of me that’s cold and shaky. The last time we were together (like in that way) at first it was fine, but the more we kept going the colder I got, I started to cry, I’d never felt a pain like that. My body is traumatized which makes my heart want to die. Because my only place of comfort is tainted, no longer warm, just dark and empty.