10:28pm…

10:28pm: life almost ain’t worth living for me anymore and it’s not 100% based on Demarcus. A lot of factors play in, including him. I feel as if the only way to free him from the burden of having to lie to me and talk to me just so I won’t lose my mind is to completely end it. For good meaning my life. Same as for being a burden for my mother, my Bannie, my sisters, my “friends” all of them. I can barely look in the mirror these days. Every day I find something new that I hate about myself. I try to find any and every way to alter my appearance. Change my personality, the way i act and think but it’s too late for all of it. Why not just end it Yk? But a portion of me knows that my mother, Bannie and sisters love me. It would be selfish to leave the earth by force of my own hands. It’s almost unbearable to get up every morning and enter out into the world looking and acting the way I do. Thinking the way I think. But I have to. Knowing the only thing I can think about everyday and all day is Demarcus. Everytime I think of him every important memory we have shared rushes through my head.. but I can’t do anything about it. So every day I try my hardest to get back what I felt with him. But it’s gone. He’s gone. There’s no more Demarcus it’s only markus in his place. Idk how to explain it. But they are not the same person. Genuinely don’t know how to live with myself. Everything that wrong with me. Everything that’s wrong with my relationship with Demarcus is eating me alive. Don’t know how to live without being a part of his life. I don’t know how to live with hating every fiber of my own being. Every last little bit of hate I feel towards him I reflect on to myself. If I can’t even love my own damn self how could he or anyone else. Fck it