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I realised yesterday that how my parents behaved to me which led to trust issues in me. This is when I saw how my son was ignored in the smallest way but how as I child that had hurt me.
Today again I had a fight with her(my mom) and I realised how everyone just ignores me completely. The emotional support and understanding they show towards my sister is not even near how they showed me.
As a means I found that I had to shout and get angry to get her to listen to me - although they didn't understand since I am shouting and they just felt that how they are unlucky as parents to have me - I felt satisfied in finding that they are also sad now - Atleast they will feel some emotions or grief like I had. This is how saddist are born I guess. And this is how people begin to have trust issues.
No matter what in the end if the fight between me and her ends that's solely because she was successfully able to temporarily brainwash me into thinking that everything I thought and felt was just wrong and what they did was right.
And that's the main difference between me and my sister. No one can convince her to brainwash herself and hence she was clearly able to express her feelings to them. She never was a shouter. She always kept things inside. But I wasn't and that's the main reason why people perceive us as how they do (sister being the nicest person in whole world and me being the most arrogant and annoying person).
Due to this I was never able to make friends too. Trust issues, anger, selfishness, feeling of abandonment even when I was in between group of friends, all became part of my life.
I always felt I could never fit in a group. I was considered an outcast and I am just a third wheel in front of friends. I was in fact a third wheel due to that and I hated it. I could never make true friends. Three friends who actually keep in touch with me till date are the ones who "actually" understood the reason behind my anger and knew how to handle me.
I am actually very sensitive but I never show to anyone - I never cried in front of people or my parents as such - they always said no matter how much they beat me and scold me I used to stand like a stone without any emotions of understanding.
But they never saw me crying alone and drenching the pillow at night even though I was sleeping right next to them. I was quite good at it. I found sled pleasure means as a child maybe due to this - I don't know what made me explore myself at such a young age - I feel horrified thinking about it now that as a child I was so twisted!
Now that I am 30 I am unable to hold my tears much - I try and try but I JUST CANNOT. I end up crying in front of my husband and then "her"! I mean, I HATE IT - let them think how bad I am - that's better than them seeing me cry and ignore my true feelings - atleast I won't feel bad that they ignored me "even" after they saw me crying.
My husband doesn't ignores - he does understand- I do the same thing to him - push him away with cruel words hurting him so that he feels the pain I am going through just like I did with my parents - but he is different- he STAYS! no matter what he stays and "shows" that he cares and "acknowledges" that he cares - atleast that's what I feel - not sure if that "actually" true or not. He makes me feel "seen" and that's the "only" thing I wanted from my parents! My dad used to make me feel "seen" - but I was not able to show my real feelings to him as well - as u know I hate showing to people!
I know you are getting confused and thinking what stupidity is she talking away - twisted right?!
I am person that can throw away everything in an instant now without thought and end up Panicking for losing them and having high anxiety by overthinking about my actions. It kills myself.
Probably you would be thinking - she SHOULD see a therapist- but the point is - I don't want to show any human my true self or feelings - explaining talking and trying to be seen. It feels awkward! And what if they say it's my fault !! What if I AM THE BAD PERSON ?!! I don't want to waste my time on another human being who also will ignore me.
I am tired typing and thinking. Bye.
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You found comfort that they are sad now? you must have have it tough. There's a reason why I don't try to keep my emotions at all and things I actually express so maybe things have change and the main reasons have to listed as well.
ReplyDidn't get you ! Is it hate that you are giving or taunting ?! That's the tone I get from this
ReplyIt's not easy for everyone to go around and express their feelings. As for me even when I told as a child I was always corrected in an anger way or laughed at - why should I even TRY if that's what I get ?! And yes sometimes it makes me feel happy to see that they too are sad but soon within a minute I get up and go to them and say sorry EVEN if that was not my mistake just because I know that someone coming and hugging you when you are sad solves everything - unfortunately I never got that feeling but always gave
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