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Hi, it's me. Happy sixteenth birthday! I wish I could tell you to your face.
Sometimes I see you in my dreams and I almost forget that you're gone. You're so beautiful, the friendships you've made are so beautiful. The pictures of you could could have been from yesterday, you look just like I remember.
I've learned that the grief doesn't get better, that I never stop seeing where you're supposed to be. It can't not hurt to see your close friends missing you. Sometimes I lay awake at night wondering if you're okay and thinking about the finality of your funeral. Some days, like today, I can't help but let my mind wander to the idea of ashes on the beach and those fucking sleeping pills we may never understand. I'm never without loss and grief. I prefer to talk about you like you've just stepped out of the room, "When she was here... she's so funny... we used to." I can't think of you as truly gone.
I wish that I could see you and ask how you've been. Joke about how you haven't found a girlfriend yet, talk about normal high school stuff. But we can't and i just have to keep moving forward.
So happy birthday, happy sweet sixteen! I don't know where you are today, but know I'm celebrating with you. I care for you just as much as I did when we would eat lunch together and when I'd see you every day. You have all my best wishes.
Love,
S.
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