finish line

sometimes it's not reality that takes my head into dilemma it's the fact that my imagination never settles for what's in my reach .. they say dream big but always looking at the uncertain is dark and blurry , it gives me that rush of a feeling i can barely describe as fear , the fear of not getting to that point i draw a line to in my head . some of u call this anxiety or that's what it really is but besides being carefree and reckless i always think if what at some point of my life i have that ordinary routine , that life i never wanted , will praying save me ? will i ever be saved ? i want to do plenty of stuff plenty of ideas plenty pf plans but it's all just a tornado in my head spining around and around with no escape . i'm still standing at the same place , i'm still looking at the same things i'm still frozen , death would be even less hurtful , i'm afraid of what's coming i'm afraid i'll become the person i hated the most . looking at me from 4 years ago i think i took steps wrong and right ones , why did i mention the wrong ones before the right ones ? is it because i'm pessimistic ? or is it because that my vision isn't yet that clear ? or is it because i'm still far behind the fantasy i wrote down the back of my head , i think about every second of the past 4 years how i thought i wouldn't come this far and how that one second in one day in january i felt clueless and lost but here i am somehow ... i'm gonna pray for me cause i'm both afraid and proud of me ... placing my hopes on a line and starting a marathon just hoping i won't lose breath untill the finish line