Reflective thoughts

July 21st 2023

8:52 PM

Weather: Summer night

Mood: Reflective

Hi, I am writing this because I don't know if I really thought through my life. I change ideas really quickly. I’m not very consistent. The things I imagined in my future were small details that were blurred in my mind. Little questions like, do I want kids? Who will I spend my life with? What friends will I make? Will I get married? Those little thoughts and ideas were all I thought about for the future. But really what I needed to think about was how to get there. My outlook on life has changed so much in just two months. I remember what my journals looked like during the school year. Depressed, confused, tired of the world. I still have some of those feelings and thoughts but they seem more muted in my mind. The feeling of not wanting to live long enough to see the future has changed into being unsure of what my future holds, and how I will cope with the constant changes around me. I want to live until I am old. The idea seems so foreign to me. It still feels uncomfortable writing it down. But what is my purpose? What is my life truly for? I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I only know the little things: I want to live life comfortably. I want to not have to worry about money for myself and those around me. I want to have enough for myself in order to give back to others. But to start off small, I want to have fun senior year of high school. I want to hang out, go to parties, make friends with people, dance, and live life. I want to figure out what a work and life balance means to me. This doesn't mean getting straight A’s, it means truly trying my best at school without faking it. I don't know where life is going to take me, and I don't know what I'm going to do, but today I'm deciding that whatever life throws at me, I'm going to stick it out to the end.