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I see other girls get treated with love and kindness. They are the cherished prizes of the parents. They are precious and important. They grow up to say, "I would never let a man treat me less then because my father didn't ."
They have a reason. They have strength. They are unbroken.
Then I'm left to thought, "I wish I could claim such a right, but on what basis?"
He hurt me with the hands he was supposed to protect. He hurt me more than any other human ever had. He left bruises on my skin that were the colors of all the shades in my crayon box.
Twenty one years of this mess. I am left, all in all, worthless.
I expect anger before I expect love. I expect hitting before hugs. I expect to be treated like something that wasn't meant to be on this earth.
Then tell me, how can I argue and accept that I'm worthy of decent treatment? On what basis?
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Replyi'm sorry you had to go through that
ReplyThese things happened to you, you didn’t do them. Nothing you could’ve done or been could’ve prevented it and it’s not fair to think in that way since you were a child. You brain was developing. We’re born to our parents and it is our biological instinct to trust them and allow them to shape who we are and the world around us, especially in our earlier years of life.
But just because you were a victim to your parents doesn’t mean you need to be a victim in your future relationships. If your friend confided in you that she was abused by her parents, would you tell her she has no right to seek redemption ? Would you tell her she doesn’t deserve to be treated with complete respect in her relationship? What if you were speaking to a little child who is being abused? Would you tell her she shouldn’t get her hopes up and expect she deserves good treatment like her friends? I know knowing something isn’t going to undo your feelings which have bore a whole into your mind. I know that we aren’t rational and that other people might have a switch that turns off and on at red flags of men, which helps them to instinctively run away from potentially toxic treatment. Their brain is built to understand true love and care and they may not have to work as hard to filter out the ‘bad guys’. It may feel like the only men you attract are those who end up making you feel exactly as your father did and part of your subconscious feels comfortable in this as it’s what you’ve known previously.
Maybe you will continue being a warrior who works on realizing the value that already exists within you just like everyone else. Everyone is born with it but it’s not your fault that no one made you see it and realize it and your friends family did. Just because you can’t feel it doesn’t mean you don’t have it, and it doesn’t mean that the right people won’t see it. These are the people you deserve. Yes, deserve. You are worthy of no less and I wish I could give you a hug right now. God bless you.
Replythank you for your kind words. You said everything I needed to hear and more. thank you for helping me. I appreciate it more than I can express.
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