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Honestly, I do not hate myself. Maybe I hate the part of me that wants to be trans a little bit, the one that will never be happy or fulfilled living what is atleast partially a lie. Sure there are things about myself physically I would change to be more masculine, to be taller or more physically imposing, that anyone who feels somewhat victimised would want. Being taller makes you seem more like someone to be reckoned with, everyone congratulates people on growing a few inches but makes fun of people for being short. If I were stronger I wouldn't have to fear being beaten up or physically restrained or something as much as I already do. All this aside, having all this and being a woman wouldn't be enough. It's like nothing will ever be enough for me. I want to be recognised for who I am, but I don't even know that in full certainty, all I know is that I am a person and my settings are haywired in a way cis people don't seem to experience. There are other, more specifically gendered parts of me I would get rid of as soon as physically possible if I could, or if I weren't scared of committing to the whole process required to get cross-sex stuff. Then again, I have a life that's being suffocated slowly the more awful I feel about the former stuff. Sometimes I'm half-skeptical that the world should be like this, that you can either get a suffocated survival spree of a life or an actual life spent being super discriminated against, living in heightened constant fear. I honestly don't know which sounds worse, I'd like a 3rd path that sounds more worth taking. Sometimes I just want to opt out entirely. How much stuff will I have to give up for dysphoria exactly? I can't go swimming, I can't wear clothes I want to, my posture's taken a huge hit setting me on a path for future lifelong back pain and stagnant mediocrity in the sport I'm pursuing. Most of these issues out of sheer discomfort, describable as dysphoria. And if it comes to choosing between the things I love and the thing I hate, of course I'd choose the things I love...but the thing I hate doesn't leave me alone, it dictates my decisions and has been after me since I don't even know when. What would it take to turn it off? I'm happy with who I am, regardless of gender- I don't need convincing I'm valid, and I know my body doesn't define me (if it did, it'd be doing a hell of an awful job given how disconnected my personality is from it). This shouldn't hurt as much as it does. I can't have my life submerged by something I think is stupid, even though I feel it regularly everyday, yet I'm finding it so hard to combat that stupid thing.
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