My Unsent Letter

Dear Arjun,

I promised her you won't be anything more than a hookup. Now when I look back I wonder how stupid i was to think i actually had a shot with you. You were perfect. You were the first person that made me feel butterflies. I try so hard not to think about you whenever i see couples or hear love songs wishing it was us and me dedicating these songs to you. what did i do wrong?it was all going so well...there are so many things i wan to tell you, so much i want to know about you. please tell me how much more longer will it take for me to realise my worthlessness and get it into my head that i wont ever find a relationship like my friends. i can pretend all i want and reassure my friends that you meant nothing to me but i cant lie to myself. Inner self already loves you. from your chubby cheeks to your crooked smile,from your hoarse voice to your insecurities. i know we only met a couple of times but i thought you liked me. i thought you actually liked me for who i am. long story short you blocked me after our second meetup and i was devastated. i felt so hurt and confused as to where i went wrong. i really want to bring myself to believe that you just used me for your own pleasure but i know thats not you. i was starting to move on until you had to show up to the party. couldnt you have given an excuse and gotten out of it. you kept looking at me throughout but didnt say a word. i could see it in your eyes that you wanted to say something but your ego wouldnt let you. you kept looking at me till i left. you keep giving me these mixed signals that i have no clue what to do next. should i just come over and restart this?should i just leave it as it is?or should i find someone else.i cant bring myself to do that because that wouldnt be fair. you remind me everyday on why i shouldnt trust people, you make me believe in love less and lesser day by day.