Life in Fear into a Life of Love

Life in Fear into a Life of Love

Tight chest, narrow breath

My blood turns to ice.

I can’t stand, my body trembles.

My head pierces.

Faded memories come back like water from a busted dam.

I’m reminded of my pain and my suffering.

I’m reminded of how my family rejected me.

That I did horrible things just to want attention

Do I even have a family?

Or do I just have people related to me?

I have a father who is supposed to protect me.

Yet, when he was told about being raped, he said I should have expected it

I have a stepmom who took care of me when I had no option

Yet, when she got that piece of paper to go with her pretty ring

Suddenly, I’m just living in a house that was supposed to be home to clean, cook, and work.

I’m ignored and beaten by the people who are supposed to love me.

When my family does acknowledge I’m a person, it’s to ask why I won't leave my room.

Why I’m stuck in my headphones and high.

Or why I’m angry when I talk to any of the other prisoners in the house.

The truth is I’m something well beyond angry.

I have a brother who claims to love me.

Yet, he does not acknowledge the fact that he touched me when I was a child.

I am forced to stay with the memories of being sold as a kid.

Monsters who claimed to be men bought me for their own sickness.

At 21, I met a man who wouldn’t land a hand to me.

A man who finally took no as an answer.

Then I remembered him.

He is my second-grade love.

We were both objects of the sale, just trying to be kids on our own time.

I was in heels, with my ass exposed in a skirt at 7.

He was being told to do monstrous things to me, and he did.

He began to blame himself for the pain he gave me.

Now that I have found my love again, I couldn’t imagine a life without him.

I live with him without fear.

We both took a leap of faith and left our abusers to live together.

The number of things we can do now that we feel safe, is unheard of.

I am a social worker, helping those like I wish I had.

He is redefining what it means to be a man.

He works hard for the family we have created.

He works hard to make me feel loved and tries to remember that he is loved.

This is by no means the fairytale ending.

We both have our flashbacks.

We lost our baby to a miscarriage.

But now we both have a safe life filled with love.