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To those whom I ghosted,
I’m sorry.
I chose in May to completely ghost all of my friends, and nearly five months later, I feel as though I can’t come back into their lives, hence me writing this letter, so I can, in some way, apologize.
Regardless of how long I’ve known each of you, be it only a year or for some, almost five years, I have come to love every one of you. You've all made a positive impact on my life and for that, I cannot thank you enough. However, throughout the years, I found it hard to justify being friends with any of you because, in my view, I wasn’t worthy of being your friend, I wasn’t worthy of love. When I looked at myself, I saw someone who was a mess and didn’t know what they wanted out of life, when I looked at my friends, I saw people who had secure plans for the future, who knew what they wanted to do and be and in some ways, I was envious of that, but more so, I became to feel isolated. I was afraid that I would be left behind, although deep down I knew it wasn’t true and that I had the support of all of you behind me, that, had I asked for help, I would have received it.
So, I began to gradually step away from my friends, I didn’t speak to them for weeks at a time and stopped going out with them, trying to, in some way, prepare for what I believed was the right decision: To ghost all of my friends, so that I couldn’t burden them with my weakness and so that I didn’t have to be envious of them anymore, I suppose in some strange way, I felt that I was protecting us, all of us, from me. From the person who couldn’t handle their abandonment issues, emotional issues, or their fear of rejection.
None of this is your fault. It never was nor will it ever be. My issues are mine alone to deal with and it’s unfair that I put them onto all of you, trying to push the blame onto you all for my lack of direction and/or growth in life, because I’m a coward who cannot face myself, both from shame and my victim mentality. What I did to you all is inexcusable, and I don’t expect any of you to forgive me, I also understand if you never speak to me again, apology or not. I do hope you know though, that I am sorry, and that I love you, all of you, I always have and will continue to.
With love,
Your friend who ghosted you.
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