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For context, I’ve had several concussions which have probably changed the way I see stuff. For about an hour after the latest one (few years ago), I genuinely saw everything like I was in a super vivid brightly coloured anime, and heard people speaking Japanese instead of English (and couldn’t understand it). Everything was animated with sketch lines, but light reflected in this vibrant way that’s difficult to describe…but yeah my eyes didn’t match for months, one pupil was huge, and doctors basically shrugged like ‘with concussions, you might get better or you might not’. I’m still very sensitive to light, and struggle to see on the road when it’s been raining.
In the mornings, through midday, my perception just doesn’t feel real. There’s an ache behind my eyes. I’m surprised by the weight of objects. Occasionally I bump into stuff, and that feels surprising too - almost like I’d expected to just slip through it. The edges look fuzzy. Sometimes it’s like the air is thick with tiny dots, flickering like static, and when objects are made out of dots too it just…doesn’t feel real.
That probably sounds more extreme than it is. Don’t freak out - what I mean is, it feels like I’m living through an old timey movie filter, which occasionally goes slightly out of focus.
When I’m like this, it’s difficult to imagine anything mattering. I don’t do anything wild or upset people, I just…struggle to care, or struggle to picture consequences. I’ve had countless lucid dreams which feel more real.
It’s so wild trying to describe that feeling now, because now that it’s nighttime, I’m way more ‘with it’. The graininess is kinda there but emotionally, I’m an actual person.
So here’s what I actually came here to admit.
This afternoon, I genuinely thought “There was no point in waking up today”.
And now, I don’t want to go to sleep.
But typing this out, I think I’ve realised that maybe the problem is literally just light and contrast! I think maybe my brain struggles to understand how light reflects off things now. So…maybe I could adapt to being a night owl? It’d be a complete job and lifestyle change, though, and not one I’m likely to plan for when it’s daytime and I’m not real.
Ugh. Brains are ridiculous.
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