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I'll be honest and say, since I don't know you in real life, I feel a little more comfortable opening up about this. To be honest, I am really lonely most days. I have no friends here, and it's really only a fault of my own.
It's not that nobody wants to be my friend or that people don't try. I just always somehow push people away. I've been through a lot of less than healthy friendships in the past. I tend to find reasons to dislike people immediately after meeting them. Not that I treat them poorly because of it, I treat them normal to start. I just tend to make notes in my head of reasons I should keep my distance. Then, I get to know people, and those notes start to disappear. I realize they aren't true assumptions I've made, and the person is not actually horrible. So instead, I pick out all the reasons why they shouldn't like me, and I convince myself that they hate me. That they're only being nice as good manners, and I start to distance myself from them. Which, of course, confuses people. And likely starts to make them self-conscious. And then they do start to dislike me.
I realize it's a self-fulfilling prophecy and that it's really unhealthy, but when I'm doing it, it's not a conscious action. I tend to realize that I repeated the pattern only after it's run its course. And then I start to feel guilty for it. I'd like to say I'm working on it, but the truth is, I don't even know how I would start. I'm too scared of getting hurt again, and it's holding me back.
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