I didn't want to start dating until I knew I was ready...(I want advice, opinions, anything)

My love life was trash before I decided to make this decision in middle school. But I will not talk about that. I will tell you. It was hard. Especially during high school, I thought it would easy, peazy, lemon-squeaksqueak and I wouldn't look at boys at all. What made it hard is that from all of my friends, I was a "boy-crazy" girl and I would tell them about boys I liked and crushes but I didn't want a relationship lol. My friends were in relationships if you've guessed it lol. Even today, same thing lol. I wanted boys to look my way, but I didn't want to make an effort. One day I had the courage, I was in situationship with a person but it never worked, a while later, same thing, same person and never moved above the friend-zone. Which I didn't want.

College: I still have the same mentality but I have different plans - Date until I was fully independent, wait til graduate from college (maybe), move to a university and find my one there? Idk the possibilities were endless and this time I'm not opposed to dating in the future but still have the single mentality...

Until a moment of epiphany a couple days ago. I picked up again an adult game app that I played a while back and ofc all your thoughts are gonna be Rated-R, and all I could think about is playing the game and my mind was full of those thoughts and I couldn't think of anything else because of that. Even before I picked up the game I was fantasizing what it would be like to be below a guy dominating me, EVERY SINGLE DAY!! I still had that single mentality and thought I didn't need a boyfriend. Until my mind was re-wired and there and there, I was like, "maybe I do need a boyfriend." It was hard accepting it at first because having that single mentality for so long it's even difficult to begin processing the thought of picturing myself with a boy doing "dating" stuff and before, I thought when I finally decided to dip my feet into the dating pool, it would be terrifying because I was never in a proper "grown up" relationship. But, I think I do want to dip my feet in it, just a little bit at a time before actually diving in, yet im still having doubts because the realization was so sudden. Also, I am not an organized person, I am still not independent I don't even a job, (I quit my first one 2 months ago, yes I am looking for one) I still have not graduated from college and it's okay.

Thank you if you read it all to this point and I would love to hear from you!! Please I really need it, Thank you, Thank you Thank you!!!