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I feel like I disappointed my parents a lot. I see it on their faces everytime but they are still kind to me for no reason. I don’t deserve it, I don’t feel like I belong there. But where else can I go? I’m living because of them. I owe them. I don’t own anything because I gave it all away. Everything. I always have to be grateful but it really feels superficial and confusing at these times. It feels like they forgot but they never did. No one can ever move on. It’s always going to be there and I can never leave it behind. I can never move on.
My life sometimes feels meaningless and I don’t know what the future holds. There is nothing to look forward to. Even if I’m doing well it doesn’t mean anything. It’s not an accomplishment. What is it all for?
I don’t know where I went so wrong. I don’t know why I think like this. I’m not sure if I truly asked for forgiveness. I just never thought I had any bad intentions. I don’t know if that makes me wrong. But I just ask for guidance because I don’t know what else to say or ask for. I did it out of being kind. I feel like my kindness is the only thing still keeping me here. I don’t know why I messed up like that. I didn’t think it through. I never knew it would turn out that way. I just wanted someone, I was so blind. I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who will actually love me. I don’t know if I’ll ever gain any self confidence. But I want to be there. I want to be on the right path or else I’m dead.
It just feels lonely. And that’s how I felt before that’s why it started. And everyone tells me how much I haven’t learned anything. But I tried. I tried to move on, I tried to grow, I tried to forget but no one lets me. Because of course I mess it up again. And I’m always being haunted by it. Always plaguing me somehow. I know I’ll have to go back to them but what for? It’s not the same. It’s all gone. It won’t mean anything. I just feel like we’ll never be happy again. I’ll never grow out of that.
This time I was just trying to be honest. Last time I shouldn’t have done any of it. I don’t know why I did. I don’t know why I didn’t stop myself. I don’t know how it all happened. It messed up so much. And now it’s like no one is really on my side. It’s just for being there. I just wanted to be really good to someone. But no one will ever be that good to me. They just use me and take me for granted. Kindness doesn’t get you anywhere. That’s what I thought I was- good. They all make me feel like a monster. I swear I’m not. I don’t know how I messed up. Maybe I am messed up. I don’t know. I don’t know how I became a monster. But I’m starting to believe it now because there is no other explanation.
I just wanted to do the right thing. I just want some normal, I just want some happiness. I did it in all the wrong ways. I guess I should’ve just asked. Would it have fixed anything? Would it have stopped? I don’t know. I don’t know how it all escalated.
I know I messed it up for everyone else too. I feel guilty but it’s over for them. I’m just not the same anymore for them. I don’t know how to fix any of it. I don’t think they will ever trust me again. It’s all over for them. Everything is ruined beyond belief. I mess it all up so easily. Without thinking about anyone or anything. So far.
How does someone mess up so bad? How do you lose all possible respect? I’m the child who is the result of their sins. But I didn’t know my life was made that way. I just feel like it’s all lost and irreplaceable, like it’s all over. It will never be the same and I just didn’t mean to. I don’t know how it all happened. I wish I hadn’t. I wish I was smarter. I’m sorry for all the pain I dragged them through. I can’t fix any of it. It just leaves me feeling empty. Nothing to look forward to. No real happiness because I messed it up for everyone. Not just me. My future just seems desolate. It’s like why am I doing this? What is it all for? Why did it happen this way? Am I safe? What is my future? Will they ever be happy? Is it always going to be like this? Is it over? Should I end it? None of it means anything anymore. It’s all over. For all of us. Because of me. No one is happy. Because of me. I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t think it will ever end. It just feels hopeless. Why am I doing this? How am I still here? But somewhere I hope it will turn around somehow and everything will be kind of normal. I don’t know if that’s just me ignoring all of it. I wish it wasn’t fake but it is. Is this really life? But I messed it up more than I should have for anyone. I’m sorry. I can’t fix it. It’s permanent and I have to live with it but it weighs down on me. It’s constant. I don’t know how far I’ll make it. Like I want to throw up or I can’t breathe.
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All I can advise is that if you have not started a spiritual journey in your life, it might be time to start exploring faith. Don't confuse faith with religion, religion is just a form of expression. Faith is a journey, and you will fall, but the goal is to challenge yourself each time so it grows stronger over your years. Once you realize that faith truly delivers - you will learn that hope exists in all aspects of your life. Best of luck.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
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