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So, I fell for a guy who ended up dating someone else. I didn't know that he was, by the way. We were friends way before he started dating this girl. I admit, I got close to him because I was attracted towards him, but we eventually got into a really close friendship with one another. And of course, during that friendship, my feelings for him grew stronger.
When I decided to just go screw it and get the courage to confess my feelings after almost 3 years of friendship, a close friend of us told me that he got himself a girlfriend, and their relationship has been going on for months, so, obviously it seemed serious. When I heard about it, I decided to confront him about it, but he denied. Later, after I pursued relentlessly for him to tell me the truth, he asked me why, and I told him the truth (I'm not really the type of person to lie and beat around the bushes).
When I did, he finally told me the truth: yes, he was dating someone, and that girl is someone that I know as well. But what shocked me the most was that he told me he had feelings for me as well, and that he was scared of confessing because he thought I didn't feel the same. And so, when his current girlfriend confessed to him, he took the leap and tried dating her. And well, they ended up dating for almost a year now I guess.
To say I was shocked was an understatement. Especially when he said that if he did knew about my feelings beforehand, it would definitely changed the entire situation, since he would most likely chose me instead of her. And the reason why he didn't tell me about his dating situation was because he thought he would have lost me (I don't even understand how he thought of that).
But anyways, we discussed over it and made a mutual agreement: we will never lose our friendship, yet we should still keep a distance with each other to respect his girlfriend (who I consider as a pretty close friend as well). And well, we should never speak about this again and his girlfriend shouldn't know too. Since we didn't actually do anything wrong, no cheating or whatsoever, I figured there's no harm in letting her know, and he agreed. Besides, it's just like we had a problem in our friendship and we decided to come up with a solution to solve it. And what good will it do towards their relationship if his girlfriend did find out? They would only end up fighting about it and his girlfriend would definitely be weary of our still close friendship with one another.
And after that day, I told him I promised to move on and he should also lose any remaining romantic feelings he might have for me, and focus with his girlfriend. I told him that it's not right to have romantic feelings for someone when he is already in a committed relationship. If he can't, then, well, I told him I'll let him figure it out himself. Till then, I'll still keep my promise, and I did.
Fast forward to today, we did what we discussed: maintain our friendship and be like the good ol' days. However, there is just one problem. Since we are in different universities, we sometimes text each other to catch up and all. But I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with his texts. I mean, it is very different from the usual way we text with each other. It's like... from his texts, sometimes he would bring up about the past (our feelings) and he insinuates about the 'ifs'. He sometimes would flirt or give me compliments too, when trust me, he never does that before and I certainly didn't do things that deserves those compliments. And I don't understand what all of this means.
I have very much moved on (I'm even getting to know a boy in my faculty, who is very attractive for me), he is still in a relationship with his girlfriend, and everything's fine. But why do I feel like I'm becoming a third person in their relationship? Why does it seem like he's cheating on her with me? These... texts of his doesn't happen just once, but almost every time we talked with each other. Because we live in different areas and we are so busy with our current college life, we rarely text each other and once we do, it would be long to make up for lost times. So, yeah, by that, I can definitely tell the differences from before and now.
I got reminded back when we had the discussion, he told me that his relationship with his girlfriend might not last, since there is one big issue between them (which I would not say since it really is not my concern) that might become a deal-breaker in the future for the both of them. And if or when that time comes, he says he really wants to give us a shot, if I'll agree. I told him that I most likely won't, since I'll definitely keep my promise to move on, and won't wait around for him. So, he shouldn't hope for it too.
When I remember this, I started feeling really uncomfortable and kind of, scared I guess. I feel like I want to stop this entire friendship with him, but I know it isn't right. I tried telling him about this implicitly, as to not hurt his feelings. But he kind of took it as a joke and just, brushed it off. And now, it's starting to get pretty worst... What should I do? What does all of this mean?
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It sounds like a complicated situation, but it's great that you were able to have an open and honest conversation about your feelings. It's important to prioritize your friendship and find a way to move forward while respecting each other's current relationships. Communication and understanding are key.
ReplyHi, thanks for replying...
Right now, I'm trying to give a little space in our friendship. I don't reply his texts as often, and I try to hint at him about prioritizing and caring about his relationship more. I also try to keep reminding him of us being only friends, and implicitly telling him of not stepping any boundaries. I don't know whether any of this would work, but I'm hopeful I guess.
ReplyA true and respectable man would not be in a relationship with someone whilst entertaining flirtatious conversation with someone else. I guess when he was honest with you about having had feelings, that was fine. But then he decided to not tell his girlfriend. I know that you for it’s because you wouldn’t want her to overthink or cause harm, but for him I highly suspect that it is for different reasons. I think that he mainly doesn’t want her to know in case something happens between you two or something shady along those lines. If he was a good man, he would either break up with his girlfriend because he realises he doesn’t love her as much as someone else or because he realises that there is a dealbreaker. Regardless, I don’t think what he feels for either of you is true love. I think he is acting very immature. I think his girlfriend deserves to know exactly what’s happening behind her back and she should be the judge of whether this is the type of behaviour she accepts from her partner. Hopefully she has enough self worth and inner strength to realise she doesn’t deserve this, and not be manipulated by his excuses that ‘nothing happened’. Messaging is something happening. You don’t deserve this either. You are both having your feelings played. I’d like the believe that the thought of your future boyfriend sending the same type of messages this boy is sending you would deeply upset you. Do you see a future with this man? You say no. How do you cut him off? Just do it. You’ll thank yourself and, for what it’s worth, I believe it’s the right this to do not only for you but his poor girlfriend who I think is the biggest victim in all of this. Good luck.
ReplyI had a similar situation. Don’t give hints. Explain fully you don’t see anything with him and he’s being unfair to his gf and CUT CONTACT. Maybe a small part of you enjoys the little feeling of being desired or chased by him even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself. Not judging, I know that feeling too. It obvious he’s being weird and it all smells very fishy. LEAVE. Also I agree his gf should know the type of guy she’s with
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