here we go again

you know i just don't see the point... you can run around in circles trying to understand existence and you wouldn't be able to make sense of it. like why is there something? not even something "rather than nothing", why is there something? i'm not trying to give it purpose, but i'm a human being living on this planet and i have to wonder why or how things are the way they are. it's stupid to me, baffling, and it doesn't make sense. what was the first "thing"? why did it move? could reality be so distorted and all over the place? do your eyes sometimes fail and you realize that there are tiny spectra flying around everywhere? i just don't get it, and i know i am pretentious, for trying to even understand, trying to even begin to understand... i do wanna get it and get to the source of my suffering because we are called "life" and we are "something" now, at least those are the words we give them. my brain is the source of all my misery, i mean, i developed this organ that lets me understand the universe and i can't really stop using it until i die... which brings me to another topic that i like to discuss, death. what would be the purpose of our existence if we all died? i guess it is becoming alive until next time and hope that our existence and every atom in our bodies have sentience and move towards our goals, the dreams, hopes and aspirations we had when we were alive... tell me i'm not the only one who showers and has all these thoughts, please. again, i know i sound pretentious, even though i sound profound now i would have many shallow everyday thoughts that prove that i'm a hypocrite sometimes, but i need to know, i gotta know what is going on in here. i want to have or be able to have control over my life, i want to choose from the grand scheme of things, i don't want to conform with things on this planet alone, i need to see and experience the whole picture