My biggest fear

( Sorry english isn't my first language)

My biggest fear is that people would see me while being treated poorly and not respond to it. I can't stand up for myself and defend myself but i don't care as long as nobody sees it . If i were to get raped one day i'm sure that i won't even try to resist because i know i'm too weak for that and that woudn't matter. But if it anyone hears about it or sees it I'd literally kill myself . I can endure being raped but i can't take people looking at me like i'm some weak creature enable to stand up and fight back. It's like i'm tired of fighting although i have never ever in my life fought for anything. I try to avoid everything as long as it keeps me away from more trouble. There is nothing that i cannot endure as long as I do it alone. When i was a kid i was molested for years and yet i didn't try to get help . And that ,i think it was the right choice .If i would have spoken i would have been labeled a pitiful victim for the rest of my life. But when i kept it for myself and gone with it without any resistance it felt like nothing have happened and it didn't affect me much when i got older. Even though sometimes it got bad , it wasn't that hard to get over it. It doesn't exist as long as nobody knows it existed. When i was in middle school two kids were touching me on the bus, and i acted as if nothing happened , but one of them came to me later on and asked me why didn't i say anything and why didn't i get mad.I didn't answer .That question felt worse than them touching me. Another kid touched me weeks later and i didn't say a thing and a second kid that saw it came to me and asked " how coud i let him do such thing ?" . Still no answer. He should have minded his own business.

Years later , i told someone i knew the whole story and I felt worse afterward .Even worse than the times it had happened . I felt weak and pathetic . I felt like an attention seeker . Getting over it wasn't that hard then why do i bother telling the story now ?